See that guy over there at the right? This is Skip. Skip is a troubled little man. He likes to yell a lot and he talks a great deal of nonsense, mostly while trying to resist the apparent temptation to take a sizable bite out of Stephen A. Smith's neck.
Generally, I don't care all that much about the affairs of ranting weirdos like Bayless. His is the sort of noise that comes screeching from the mouths of oddly dressed Miami natives riding the Metro and smelling of stale beef and urine. These people get broadcasting jobs too; Rush Limbaugh is a fine example.
But Skip and I have problems, not because he is a crazed idiot with a TV show, but because he is a crazed idiot with a TV show who likes to fuck with LeBron. This we cannot abide.
I get that the Miami Heat are the best, and being the best means drawing the ire of those not fortunate enough to feel that sort of greatness. LeBron has adopted the fine moniker of King James and, as the old adage goes, heavy lies the crown. LeBron has been hated more viscerally and vigilantly than any sports figure since the Mongol Horde that were the Madden-era Raiders. But LBJ can take it in stride and still play ball like that glorious Champion that he is. Because he's the greatest and we love him.
But Skip is a special case. Here is a man so hellbent on continuing his brainless tirades until there is no oxygen left in the atmosphere for his scaled reptilian lungs to waste that he has persisted, day after day, in persecuting LeBron like some vile gargoyle of the hardwood, long after every other sensible individual in the field of sports has stopped indulging in the hatefest. And after watching this irksome, leather-skinned nincompoop bash Lebron's performance in Wednesday night's coronary-inducing stress fest -- you know, that incredible game against the Mavericks where James had 32 points and nearly earned a triple-double -- I've decided that I want this nutjob's head.
So, without further ado, here are ten reasons why I think ESPN should do themselves a favor and fire Skip Bayless. (You could also FedEx his head to me, Se7en style, for my proverbial mantlepiece, ESPN. Your call.)
1. He ignores the facts.
For years, Skippo's been howling about LeBron's failure to meet his expectations. Skipper, nobody cares about your expectations. Stick to the legitimate stuff, like how the man actually plays basketball. LeBron has utterly transformed himself since coming to Miami. He's elevated his game to the dazzling sort of prowess that leaves us stunned every time he crosses the court. He won Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year Award after being labeled selfish and cocky (by swamp creatures like Skip). He's on track for yet another regular season MVP award, and he'll apparently play nothing but 20-plus point games for the rest of his natural life. But in spite of all this, Skip desires only to bitch. On the great day of silence among the legions of hateful bloggers, columnists, announcers, and analysts that came when LeBron finally clutched the O'Brien trophy he'd been chasing for so long, there was Skip, spewing his blathering foulness on ESPN live in Miami. We ought to have chased him from the studio and fed him to the gators.
2. He's irrelevant.
Bayless' worn tirades have put off even the most die-hard Miami Heat haters. If you Google his name, the search engine will respond by asking you if you meant to search for "I hate Skip Bayless." No, seriously. And the end result of all this hatred is that nobody actually cares what Skipperton has to say.
Bayless himself knows this. He started his vomitous sideshow Thursday morning by responding to the question of what he thought of LeBron's game in the manner of a lost soul, not wanting to be found: "Here I go again...I realize I am the only human in the known world who cares anything about what I saw last night as I watched the Heat play Dallas at home..." When you openly acknowledge that you're the only person on the planet who gives a shit about what you're about to say, it's about time you quit your job.
3. His Face Gives Me The Fear
This is the grim visage that haunts the darkened rooms of small children with cable TV worldwide. Look at it. Skip, thou art heinous.
4. He Makes Shit Up
Bayless doesn't just ignore facts that exist in the real world; he makes up fake "facts" to take their place. Case in point: Skipperdoodle likes talking about what he calls the "clutch gene". He loves to talk about it. His brain is so intensely trained on this idea -- that LeBron was born with an inadequate clutch gene -- that in an article published by ESPN in November, he repeatedly described the Heat's Championship victory over the Thunder with the preface, "All because..." in an attempt to downplay the relevance of the series and LeBron's performance, after spending a paragraph frothing at the mouth about the sheer critical importance of the magic gene. That's the sort of wild-eyed madness you can Baker Act somebody for in Florida.
5. He's a Racist
This is not the first salvo against ESPN's moron run amok fired by the Miami New Times. I would be remiss if I did not give all due credit to the honorable Uncle Luke, whose poignant and incisive article on the human ugliness that is Skip highlighted the swine's history of racial transgressions, such as this gem: "...he wrote a column blasting Hall of Fame Dallas Cowboy running back Tony Dorsett as an 'All-pro con man' and opened with the following line: 'Before we tar and feather Tony Dorsett...' Obviously, Dorsett was more than upset, who noted that tarring and feathering were acts often associated with the lynching of black men in the Deep South. How on Earth does this psychotic sycophant still have a job?
6. He's Not An Enjoyable Villain
Okay, so maybe Skip is the bad guy of the sporting airwaves, the dark counterpart to Stephen A. Smith's brilliance. But he's a shitty bad guy. This isn't a man we love to hate -- this is simply a man we hate. There is nothing we enjoy about his stupidity. It's not riveting or enthralling or even entertaining; it's just some buffoon in a suit jerking off and blustering on television.
7. He Should Know Better
Ironically enough, I stand as the evidence for this point. Skip and I both went to Vanderbilt University. We both graduated with degrees in English and history. And while I don't know if his has the same latin honors stamped onto it, I can say firsthand that there's a very definite level of mental acuity necessary to earn that snazzy little piece of paper. Which means Skip is either a lot brighter than he acts on TV and he's just having a rollicking good time with his silly-ass antics, or he's not only a crazed idiot, but a cheat as well. In either case, I'm hoping they'll ban the spineless bugger from the University grounds for eternity.
8. He Is Bad At His Job
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There's skill to this journalism stuff, and when you get to the pros, there shouldn't be a place for acceptable mediocrity. But Skip is far, far below mediocre and he works for one of the most popular sports networks in the world, with a daily pulpit, and nothing smart to say. He is a jester in poor taste who seems to have lost the humor to his cavalcade of bad jokes. He is a classical mudslinger, a media man without substance and a talent only for loudness. He is an embarrassing blemish to the profession, and, quite frankly, he must be stopped.
Remember the words of the good Doctor, ESPN - "Kill the head and the body will die."