Eight Reasons ESPN Should Fire Skip Bayless

See that guy over there at the right? This is Skip. Skip is a troubled little man. He likes to yell a lot and he talks a great deal of nonsense, mostly while trying to resist the apparent temptation to take a sizable bite out of Stephen A. Smith's neck.

Generally, I don't care all that much about the affairs of ranting weirdos like Bayless. His is the sort of noise that comes screeching from the mouths of oddly dressed Miami natives riding the Metro and smelling of stale beef and urine. These people get broadcasting jobs too; Rush Limbaugh is a fine example.

But Skip and I have problems, not because he is a crazed idiot with a TV show, but because he is a crazed idiot with a TV show who likes to fuck with LeBron. This we cannot abide.

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I get that the Miami Heat are the best, and being the best means drawing the ire of those not fortunate enough to feel that sort of greatness. LeBron has adopted the fine moniker of King James and, as the old adage goes, heavy lies the crown. LeBron has been hated more viscerally and vigilantly than any sports figure since the Mongol Horde that were the Madden-era Raiders. But LBJ can take it in stride and still play ball like that glorious Champion that he is. Because he's the greatest and we love him.

But Skip is a special case. Here is a man so hellbent on continuing his brainless tirades until there is no oxygen left in the atmosphere for his scaled reptilian lungs to waste that he has persisted, day after day, in persecuting LeBron like some vile gargoyle of the hardwood, long after every other sensible individual in the field of sports has stopped indulging in the hatefest. And after watching this irksome, leather-skinned nincompoop bash Lebron's performance in Wednesday night's coronary-inducing stress fest -- you know, that incredible game against the Mavericks where James had 32 points and nearly earned a triple-double -- I've decided that I want this nutjob's head.

So, without further ado, here are ten reasons why I think ESPN should do themselves a favor and fire Skip Bayless. (You could also FedEx his head to me, Se7en style, for my proverbial mantlepiece, ESPN. Your call.)

1. He ignores the facts.

For years, Skippo's been howling about LeBron's failure to meet his expectations. Skipper, nobody cares about your expectations. Stick to the legitimate stuff, like how the man actually plays basketball. LeBron has utterly transformed himself since coming to Miami. He's elevated his game to the dazzling sort of prowess that leaves us stunned every time he crosses the court. He won Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year Award after being labeled selfish and cocky (by swamp creatures like Skip). He's on track for yet another regular season MVP award, and he'll apparently play nothing but 20-plus point games for the rest of his natural life. But in spite of all this, Skip desires only to bitch. On the great day of silence among the legions of hateful bloggers, columnists, announcers, and analysts that came when LeBron finally clutched the O'Brien trophy he'd been chasing for so long, there was Skip, spewing his blathering foulness on ESPN live in Miami. We ought to have chased him from the studio and fed him to the gators.

2. He's irrelevant.

Bayless' worn tirades have put off even the most die-hard Miami Heat haters. If you Google his name, the search engine will respond by asking you if you meant to search for "I hate Skip Bayless." No, seriously. And the end result of all this hatred is that nobody actually cares what Skipperton has to say.

Bayless himself knows this. He started his vomitous sideshow Thursday morning by responding to the question of what he thought of LeBron's game in the manner of a lost soul, not wanting to be found: "Here I go again...I realize I am the only human in the known world who cares anything about what I saw last night as I watched the Heat play Dallas at home..." When you openly acknowledge that you're the only person on the planet who gives a shit about what you're about to say, it's about time you quit your job.

3. His Face Gives Me The Fear

This is the grim visage that haunts the darkened rooms of small children with cable TV worldwide. Look at it. Skip, thou art heinous.

Heinous, indeed.
Heinous, indeed.
Via Deadspin.com

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