Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

As the Florida Primary Elections approach next week, politicians are appealing to local voters on a wide variety of issues: the economy, education, and the inalienable right of fast food chains to hate on gay people.

Of course, we encourage

you to pick up your picket signs when it comes to these matters. But there

are a few issues right here at home that we think should be hot button issues

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come August 14. We want a politician who prioritizes the things that are important to our community: the beach bums, the club crowd, the loud and proud UM grads.

So we've put together a list of political positions guaranteed to get any candidate elected -- in Miami, anyway. Word to the wise stumpers: Adopting just one or two of these platforms could be just the boost you need to outpace your opponent. Adopt them all, and this city might just make you King of Miami for life.

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami
Flickr Wild Side Travel

A Ban on $350+ Bottle Service
Every South Florida resident has received this call from a long lost Facebook friend: "I am coming to Miami! Let's go to a club!" And because you live here, you know the only way to maintain your sanity at any giant dance mecca is to get your only little section inside the VIP. Yet, everything about bottle service is obnoxious: the skinny bitch who brings it to you, the fireworks fizzling out of the ice, the $10 extra charge for ordering a Red Bull, and lastly, the price. How has Barack Obama not put a stop to a Smirnoff costing $15 at the liquor store and $350 + tax + tip at clubs? One look at your checking account after an evening on South Beach makes any night sipping from a douchebag promoter's free bottle look that much more enticing.

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami
Flickr Phillip Pessar

Legalize Drinking On The Beach
Were you aware it is technically illegal to drink on Miami Beach? Having your Bud Light could cost you anywhere from $50 to 10 days in jail. Cops usually look the other way, understanding that a beer-filled cooler isn't doing anyone any harm. But the law still exists, meaning you could theoretically get pegged at any moment. Booze doesn't disturb the peace; people disturb the peace. So please, go arrest those drunk bro douches for being loud and obnoxious -- but not if they're merely reenacting a Corona commercial.

 

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

College Loyalty is a Condition of Scholarships
Wearing a University of Miami shirt while taking notes at Florida International University is just wrong. Sure, rooting for FIU a few years back was tough. Now, they are officially Sun Belt Conference champions. That might not mean shit, but it's more than University of Miami has won lately. So show some pride, FIU-ers! (Seriously, show it, or we're taking your funds away.)

The same statute applies to FIU fans at UM. Just kidding! Those people do not exist.

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

Mandatory Happy Hour Extensions
As a hard-working Miamian, you deserve a half-priced drink after a long day on the job. But more than likely, your pinot noir is going to cost you the usual $12. That's because most restaurants' happy hours end at 6 p.m., giving nine-to-fivers a very small window to bust a move to the nearest bar. Hey politicians: If you really want to support the middle class, help us out on our beer tab, okay?

 

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

All Drive-Thrus Open 24-Hours
Any boozehound knows that a

epic night is not complete without a 5 a.m. Egg McMuffin. Yet nothing can kill a buzz faster than pulling up to a drive-thru and discovering it's closed. In other parts of the country, the 24-hour drive-thru isn't necessary, because other parts of the country are populated mostly by normal, boring people who adhere to bedtimes at actual p.m. hours. But here in South Florida, we're all on Miami time, and that includes our eating schedules. Don't we deserve a politician who'll stand up for our way of life?

 

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

Increased Parking Garage Reporting Accuracy
Five words for you: South Beach on a Saturday. Your bathing suit is on, bag is packed, sun screen is applied, and the only thing keeping you from your day in the sand is the fact there is nowhere to park your vehicle. Oh, your go-to garage? "It's full" says the tiny old man wearing his security uniform proudly.

Come on, parking attendant. You know there is just one more space in there for us. Lying to us about it is the real crime.

Eight Political Platforms Guaranteed to Get You Elected in Miami

The Words "International Recording Artist" Classified as Hate Speech
If you have access to a MacBook, you can make yourself a single. While you're at it, find a friend with an iPhone and make yourself a music video. Put it all together, and put it on YouTube. Everyone else is.

But doing this doesn't make you anything more than someone with access to technology. Anyone with a Facebook account has received an invite to see "international recording artist So-And-So," who you have never heard of and will likely never hear of again. The words "International Recording Artist" mean nothing more than "PLEEEEEASE LIKE ME," which makes us hate the person saying them, which should qualify them as hate speech. Banning them is probably against the first amendment, but at least the debate would be more valuable than fighting over fried chicken.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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