Nightmare fuel.
Nightmare fuel.

Eight Animals Scarier Than Sharks That Deserve Their Own Week on TV

Shark Week is like the Black Friday of television programming. It comes around once per year and the people who don't shut the fuck up about it on Facebook look completely insane to us normals. Women especially seem to love them some Shark Week. Go ahead and search through your Facebook news feed for mentions of Shark Week, we'll wait. It's at least a 4:1 female-to-male ratio.

Don't let the title of this article deter you, though. Sharks are as scary as "Limbaugh/Beck 2012" posters. But being massive apex predators with razor-sharp regenerative teeth that can smell blood and sense faint electromagnetic fields, they were designed to strike fear the same way Kanye was designed to cockblock acceptance speeches.

We'll take a look at eight animals scarier than sharks, but we'll limit our Australian selections, otherwise this list would be full of Aussie crap fearsome enough to make Satan say a few Hail Marys.

8. Lion's Mane Jellyfish

Lifted

right out of Cthulu's nightmares, the Lion's Mane Jellyfish is the

largest known species of jellyfish on the planet. The bell can grow to eight feet in diameter, which put into perspective means you lay out a full

grown man and a midget end-to-end, and the jellyfish is still

potentially a couple of inches bigger (depending on the midget's

hairstyle.) Its tentacles can grow to 98 feet.You could be a third of a

football field away from this thing's head and it can still sting you,

much to the delight of your friends who are what could be called "golden

shower enthusiasts" and believe the myths about how to neutralize

stings with urine.

Luckily, it's really only scary and not deadly as it's not all that harmful to humans. Sure, a jellyfish sting hurts as much as The Green Lantern hurt Warner Bros., but you'll live.

7. Black Widow Spider

Well,

duh. This one is scary for two reasons: 1.) It's a spider. 2.) Its venom

can (albeit somewhat rarely) kill adult humans. Luckily, no human in the

U.S. has died from a black widow bite in over 10 years. Spiders are

considered the assholes of the insect world, mostly because they look

like insects yet aren't. The males are smaller and not potent enough to

harm humans, but the crazy venomous females are. In the words of every

black comedian ever, these "bitches be crazy."

6. Star-nosed Mole

When

setting out to write this article, we thought, "no, there is no

possible way a creature with fur could be freaky." Wrong. Lions are

feared because they'll tear your shit off. Wolves are feared because

they'll gang up around you and eat your baby. But this thing? This thing

is scary due to the fact that for some reason evolution decided to

circumvent itself and give us a mammal with 22 tentacles on its face.

And it's blind.

It won't kill you, it wouldn't even hurt you physically, but it can feed on your soul. Or at least it looks like it can.

5. Anglerfish

Specifically

the ones that live in the deep sea. These pricks always look pissed as

hell and have these small "I don't really feel like swimming, just

hanging around here to fuck shit up" fins along with extremely long,

extremely sharp teeth

Straight out of the menagerie

of a dethroned god, few deep sea anglerfish have ever been seen alive.

It is said that if you see one, he can grant you a single wish, provided

the wish is, "I wish I had a way to get rid of all this feces in my

body."

4. Black Mamba

The

fastest and most dangerous snake in Africa. You know why it's so scary?

Because it's not even black! No, they don't call it "black" because

it's fast or African, they call it that because of the color of its

mouth, something it shows often being such an aggressive snake. Black

mambas are said to attack first and flee later, and if they get tired

while fleeing they'll take a page out of 300 and turn around to

begin their suicidal attacks. Perhaps it's why they call Kobe Bryant the

Black Mamba. Because this thing will rape you. Allegedly.

Citron
3. Vampire Squid

Its Latin name is

Vampyroteuthis infernalis

,

which literally translates to "vampire squid from hell." What is it

with scary shit coming from the ocean? Poseidon himself freaks out when

he sees this squid the same way every girlfriend ever goes apeshit and

starts squealing when they see a tiny cockroach running in the opposite

direction. It wears a "cloak" over its tentacles and has tiny spines

littering them. Oh, it also has the added ability of being able to flash

light. Think about how terrifying it must be when you're in the dark

nether of the ocean and suddenly some squid flashes bright light at you,

then excretes a glowing blue mucus.

By the way, all squids have a beak too. So yeah.

2. Caecilian

Pronounced

almost like Sicilian, which are scary in and of themselves, these

creatures are like what would happen if Nazi scientists were allowed to

continue their experiments cross-breeding earthworms and snakes. Any

time you attempt to read up on these weird critters, each paragraph

begins with "little is known about..." That's probably because the only

person man enough to handle them is the Old Spice Guy and he's too busy

peddling hygiene products. They probably can't kill humans, then again

little is known about them, so yeah.

1. Stone Fish

This

fish is Nemo after a few years of chronic meth use. It's a very

dangerous, very venomous fish found on the coasts of Australia. For no

other reason than to just fuck with higher beings, this thing hangs out

on the floor pretending to be a rock. Upon hearing that their venom is

powerful enough to kill humans unfortunate enough to step on them, you

might think to yourself, "well fuck that then, next time I go to

Australia, I won't go in the water." Unfortunately for you, stone fish can stay out of water for up to 24 hours. Go ahead, Vatican City, explain to me why this shit exists.

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