Do You Know Your ABCs, Miami?
A long time ago you learned your ABCs, and those of you with a penchant for drinking and driving probably learned your ZYXs just in case (well, we did, anyway). Either way, it raises an important question: have you learned your Miami ABCs?
Probably not. But don't fret, because we've got you covered.
Miami is a cosmopolitan hodgepodge of cultures and nationalities, and a lot of that hodgepodginess™ is what helps make this city what it is. So without further ado, let's go through the ABCs of Miami, in no particular order.
Art Basel - For some reason, in 2002 the Swiss decided a sister exhibition to their original fair would be a good idea. Now Miami's has supplanted the original in size and popularity. Take that, bitches.
Beaches - Besides clubbing and the whole Elian Gonzalez debacle, Miami's beaches are the most well-known aspects of our fair city.
Calle Ocho - This one was tough. There are so many "Miami" things beginning with C: cocaine, Cubans, clubbing, and corruption. But we figured, hey, all that other shit pretty much happens during Calle Ocho anyway. So kill a few birds with one crack rock.
Downtown - Did you know that Miami's downtown is the fastest growing neighborhood in the world? You did? Fucking liar, we made that up. However, it is the 3rd most populous downtown in the US behind New York and Chicago.
Everglades - If your middle school field trips taught you anything, it's that the Everglades is a wonderful place to hike. If Dexter has taught us anything, it's that the Everglades is a shitty place to hide a body.
Fashion - We're a pretty major fashion center. We cover everything from Miami Fashion Week to Lady Gaga's nip slips. And by nip slips we mean her newest dress, made entirely of Polaroids of celebrity nip slips.
Gyms - Being such a superficial city with so many opportunities to show off our bodies, the gym is an important part of our day-to-day lives.
Heat - We average summer temperatures of 90 degrees and humidity so high it gets drug tested regularly. Oh, and the basketball team.
International - Cubans, Colombians, Russians, Haitians, Dominicans, Venezuelans, and a bunch of other -ans. It's like the UN, except we actually do things.
Julia Tuttle Causeway sex offender colony - A world-famous shantytown for men who used the same "I didn't know X was X years old" defense.
Kendall - The most famous Kendall resident of all time was OJ Simpson. That's something to be proud of. He killed his wife, you kill our spirits.
LIV - It's the most well-known of all the Miami clubs and notorious for back-stabbing us and letting the Mavericks party after wiping the floor with the Heat in the finals last season. A perfect embodiment of the "image is everything" Miami nightlife.
Marlins - Our rag-tag baseball team is now officially OUR rag-tag baseball team. But this time they finally went out and spent money to win. OUR money to win.
New Yorkers - Miami is teeming with New Yorkers who absolutely love bragging about how much better New York is than Miami, which is why they decided to move here.
Ño Que Barato - Leave it to Miami to have an Ñ in their ABCs. Ño Que Barato isn't really that cheap, though.
Ocean Drive - The most popular street in the most popular area in Miami. This is the spot you'll see in movie scenes right after the character says, "I'm in Hollywood, but I'll meet you in Coral Gables in 5 minutes."
Partying - People come to South Florida to party or retire, and this article stating how STD rates are higher amongst senior citizens (Florida especially) shows partying and retiring go hand-in-hand.
Queers - Look, don't take offense at the word usage, we very much appreciate and accept the Miami gay community. It's just... what the hell else do we use for Q? It was either Quiznos or queers.
Really pissed off commenter - "Why wasn't _____ included? Clearly it's super Miami." Yeah, we get it, a preemptive shut the fuck up to you.
South Beach - A great place to take your talents. Synonymous with Miami, it's the most famous thing about this city, and it's technically not even in this city.
TV Shows - Dexter, Burn Notice, Magic City, and the innumerable reality shows. Now if only T stood for "talent", and if only Dexter were actually filmed in Miami.
UM - I was paid to write this.
Vizcaya - This used to be some rich dude's house. Have you ever been there? You should. It'll make you hate being in the middle class.
Worst things ever - Flo-Rida, Enrique Iglesias, and Pitbull. Terrible drivers, hurricanes, and foreclosures. It's basically ritualized torture.
X-treme sporting - Kiteboarting, parasailing, SCUBA diving with sharks. Fine, this one is a reach, but X is fucking hard.
Yachting - And every time some motherfucker starts singing "I'm On A Boat" when they're on a boat, the Coast Guard catches a balsero.
Zoo Miami - Where else can you go pay an entrance fee to watch a bunch of animals entertain you while simultaneously looking sad and pathetic in their environment? Oh, right, a Dolphins game.
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