Wednesday, September 14, 2011 at 12 p.m.
Some weirdos Spritzer and Furman created an item called the Divorce Ring. It looks like something you put a quarter in a machine for and which pops out of a plastic egg. This baby costs $3,200. Who buys this? Does someone get it for themselves on the anniversary of their divorce or do you give it to someone as a hint, like, yeah, I'm leaving you for your brother?
Feel free to file this divorce ring under "Who Gives a Shit" in your mental organizing system. But before you do that, we'd like to dedicate a few possible items to some of life's more mundane events. Perhaps even the unlucky of us, the boring people deserve recognition through materialism.
8. "My First Period" Panties
Yes, little ladies, you will experiencing many unpleasant weeks in your lives held tightly by the cruel grasp of cramps and bad attitudes. Why not enjoy the first of many horrible days with "my first period undies" complete with extra large cut for comfort?
7. "I Learned to Read" Glasses
With the terrible trend of wearing frames without lenses, this goofy look will suit even the youngest little readers. Kids like props and this will inspire more literary activity. The glasses will make the child (or adult if things didn't go so well) feel like learning is cool, cause it is, and so are glasses, thank you very much.
6. "I Finally Lost My Virginity" Sheets
These are a nice gift for your son or daughter who really needed to get laid cause they were old, cranky, and lonely. Hopefully, they'll end up dating the person they lost it to and these sheets can double as a house warming gift.
5. "I Lost My Virginity Too Young" Handkerchief
No need to further explain this one. Everyone makes mistakes.
4. "The First Time I Got Drunk" Key Chain
Everyone remembers the first time they got really drunk. That night was probably pretty awesome and ended fairly unpleasantly. Now, your friends can commemorate this awfully addictive event with a souvenir -- a reminder that you will never stop being the DD.
3. "My First Pet" Choker
This is good for the ladies and lads who like to wear their necklaces gothically short. It'll always remind you that you must go home and walk/feed/pet/water your beast of sea, air, or land. You have responsibilities, childhood is over.
2. "Getting High for the First Time" Bandana
They taught you young that getting high was not gonna happen the first few times you smoked pot, but you puffed away anyway. Finally, after a few times, you felt it: the cotton mouth, the paranoia, the munchies. The bandana will serve as a talisman of protection from all those things you fear when you get high again and again, like that incessant knocking at the door that no one hears but you.
1. "My Menopause" New Car and New Young Boyfriend
Because if men can do it, so can we. Enjoy your 50s, ladies. No more procreating, yeah!
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