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Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

In a balmy, tropical paradise like Miami, Christmas spirit can be hard to come by. But to the delight of seasonally-starved folks across South Florida, Santa's Enchanted Forest has been bringing the North Pole to Tropical Park for 30 years and counting.

And whether you love it, hate it or lost your virginity in its parking lot (we're talking to you, Miami Gangnam girl), Santa's Enchanted Forest is South Florida's undisputed King of Christmas.

This year, we thought we'd chronicle the singular experience that is SEF via snapshots and (mostly) snarky comments. Because even Cultist likes to get into the Christmas spirit.

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

Instead of cookies, shouldn't you be asking for cold hard cash to apply towards your electric bill? You're behind on your payments.

Sincerely,

FPL

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I would like protection from these creepy-as-hell Cabbage Patch-style stalkers. I will pay you.

Sincerely,

Sleepless in South Florida

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

In return for magically flying you around the entire world in one night (with no breaks, we might add) every Christmas Eve for the last 400 years, we get a cramped pen and some stale hay?

We're unionizing.

Sincerely,

Rudolph and Team

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

I might be diminutive in size, but this is just insulting. I quit.

Sincerely,

The World's Smallest Horse

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

This is 2012. Freakish is the new normal, just ask Lady Gaga.

Sincerely,

The Circus Freaks

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

This gives me the warm fuzzies. The light displays are by far my favorite part of your forest. More of these please.

Sincerely,

Hannah

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

I suspect that fried candy bars, elephant ears and chicharonnes are the reason your BMI is 35. If you ever want to fit down another chimney, stick to carrot sticks and celery.

As a side note, you can catch me on "Best Thing I've Ever Eaten" recounting my experience with your fried Snickers. Nom nom nom.

Sincerely,

Dr. Oz

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

Please free my wild brothers and sisters - the grizzly bears, the Bengal tiger, the reindeer and the petting zoo crew. Otherwise, we will unleash raccoon-style revenge on your ass.

Sincerely,

The Raccoons That Live in Tropical Park

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

This beach scene looks like something out of a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

Please cease this misrepresentation of South Florida beaches immediately, or we will be forced to take legal action.

Sincerely,

Greater Miami and the Beaches Convention & Visitors Bureau

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

I need more booze. And health insurance.

Sincerely,

Bozo the Cold, Wet Clown

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

Please bring some cold weather so I can wear a ridiculously awesome zebra-face hat. Ironically, of course.

Sincerely,

Miami Hipster

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

Please bring me an electromagnetic shrink ray so I can miniaturize myself and live happily ever after in this little village.

Sincerely,

Hannah

Dear Santa: 13 Snarky Scenes From Santa's Enchanted Forest

Dear Santa,

I'm out of my element. Without scantily clad drunk girls atop my back, my life feels aimless and without purpose. Please relocate me to Round Up.

Sincerely,

The Mechanical Bull

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