Dancing With The Stars Week Seven: Lady Gaga, Vampires, and Other Classics
It was only a matter of time until Gladys Knight's charming
yet awkward run on Dancing With The Stars came to an end. Like an older
relative on a social network, it started cute, then became sad, then morbidly
fascinating, and finally unbearable until we hit the proverbial "hide posts"
button, praying that they won't ask why we never 'like' their statuses at
Don't feel bad, Gladys! Having a dance off with child actor
Roshon Fegan is just one high point in your illustrious career. Never mind the past, though, we have Classical Week on DWTS to dive into!
Katherine Jenkins and Mark started the evening with a rumba.
Classical music is right up Katherine's alley, as is being impossibly
attractive. Mark reminds us that we can't spell classical without "ass." You also
can't spell 'jackass' without it either, dude. But maybe we're just hating because he went in for a deep mouth
kiss at the end of the dance and didn't have his advances spurned while
everyone else in junior high mocked him and his visible erection. They get a 27.
Melissa Gilbert and Maks followed with an Argentine tango.
Maks has a cyst in his ankle and debates pulling out and allowing his brother
to finish, a scenario we're sure brings back memories of Melissa's wilder days
in the '80s. Maks decides to go for it and it's terrible! That's what you get
for trying. The judges award them a 21.
William Levy and Cheryl waltzed to "Ave Maria." William
reminds us that he isn't a "classical" guy, having been raised in Cuba. And his
ankle is acting up, probably as a result of trying to reign in his smoldering
sexuality. All the worrying is for naught as they perform a beautiful dance
surrounded by more dry ice and fog than a mid level prog rock concert. They
score a respectable 27.
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie tangoed to classical standby "Bad
Romance." Wait, what? Are there not more than six classical songs? For some
reason Roshon is having problems feeling masculine doing the tango to a Lady
Gaga song. And yet they manage to get a 25. You'll be a man in no time, Roshon! May we suggest being
surly and drinking to excess?
Donald Driver and Peta performed a waltz. The best way to
describe the couple's costume is if a person tried to describe Downton Abbey to
someone who has never seen Downton Abbey, and that person is also Prince. They
get a 27, perhaps because the opera singing reminded the judges of those funny
Bugs Bunny cartoons. Merry Melodies indeed!
Maria Menounos and Derek paso doble'd perfectly. The
producers try to psych us out by making the practice seem like a disaster. But
we knew better. 30 points! The first perfect score of the year. You take that
score and rub it in Mario Lopez's face, Maria! Then make fun of him for that
"The View for Men" show he was on with Danny Bonaduce.
Jaleel White and Kym finished the solo dances with a waltz.
Their segment was pretty boring, so we're going to talk more about Maria and
Derek. They put on vampire fangs. Sure, it was perfect, but wouldn't it have been
better if they danced to Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"? Shouldn't
DWTS do a Billy Corgan week? Jaleel and Kym get a 24.
And we end the show with the group dancing competition. Team
Tango (Maria and Derek, Katherine and Mark, Roshon and Chelsie, Jaleel and Kym)
scored a 27 while Team Paso Doble (Donald and Peta, Maria and Derek, William
and Cheryl) scored a 26. Oooh, we bet that extra point will mean so much in
this competition that is still primarily determined by fan vote!
Melissa Gilbert and Maks have to be gone this week. Did you
know that Maks is short for Maksim? We're just going to let you marinate on
that one. See you next week!
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