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Dancing With The Stars Week One: In The Beginning Was The Dance, And It Was (Not) Good

​The dark days of Winter have come to pass. Daylight Savings Time is back in effect. Drunken revelers have invaded our city. Yes, Spring is here, which means that ABC has once again made room in its schedule, which is otherwise full of shows with the word "bitch" in the title, to grace us with a new season of Dancing With The Stars.

Last year, J.R. Martinez took home the championship in a battle so memorable we had to look it up on Wikipedia. Who will prove themselves the supreme dancer this year? Let's go on this tedious, months-long journey together!

Maria Menounos and Derek kicked off the season with the Cha Cha.

Despite being a very attractive lady, Maria annoys us right off the bat

in her training by going out of her way to emphasize how she isn't a

"girly girl" but rather one of the guys. The Cha-cha only gets a 21,

but what do you expect? She was probably chowing down at Buffalo Wild

Wings with her bros before the show. Y'know, because she's such a dude.

Soap opera star Jack Wagner and Anna gave it the old college try with

the Foxtrot. The dancing was fine, scoring a 23, but was remarkable

for their choice to wear matching blue pastel outfits in an attempt to

establish themselves as the "aggressively White" team. Best of luck to

Jack in the competition, since whatever soap he is on will almost

certainly be cancelled whenever Kathy Griffin decides she wants a

daytime talk show.

Green Bay Packer Donald Driver and Peta tried to Cha-Cha. Donald

quickly establishes his DWTS credibility by claiming himself a fan

since season one. However, for a Super Bowl-winning wide receiver, he

certainly fumbled this dance. You could even say he was sacked.

Football, am I right? They scored a 21, but Peta deserves bonus

points for wearing as little clothing as possible.

Gavin DeGraw and Karina danced the Foxtrot. In college, we knew

two separate women at two separate universities who claimed to have hooked

up with Gavin. Will this salacious rumor affect DeGraw in the

competition? Not unless there is a corollary between bedding coeds and

being a terrible dancer. The judges mercifully give them a 20.

Disney actor Roshon Fegan and Chelsie performed the Cha-Cha. Roshon

seems to have gone to The Drake Finishing School for Child Actors and is attempting to cross over into hip-hop. Ambitiously, Roshon begins his

dance on a fainting couch. His choice in antiquated furniture

impresses the judges, earning a 23.

Sherri Shepperd and Val broke it down with a Foxtrot. The blogosphere

has been abuzz with allegations that Sherri has cheated by beginning

her DWTS training early. We would cover this scandal more in-depth,

but the fact that we're even aware of a DWTS cheating controversy

fills us with an unhealthy amount of self-loathing. Sherri and Val

stole a 23 score from the judges, just like how the Illuminati has

stolen every Presidential election for the past sixty years. (Look it up.)

Little House on the Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Maks took their

turn with the Cha-Cha. Back in the day Melissa dated Rob Lowe,

John Cusack, Scott Baio and Tom Cruise, which is impressive for a girl

who spent her youth in prairie garb so conservative Rick Santorum

would encourage her to show a little skin. Maks still hasn't learned

how to spell his name in a way that isn't completely stupid. They

don't teach the Cha-Cha on the prairie, unfortunately; the pair earned a

20.

Telenovela actor William Levy and Cheryl performed a Cha-Cha as well.

Tom Bergeron says that Levy is called "the Mexican Brad Pitt, which is

odd because he's from Cuba." Actually, Tom, it's odd because calling a

Cuban guy a Mexican is racist. That may fly on America's Funniest Home

Videos, but not here, pal. Their dancing gets a 24.

Tennis Champion Martina Navratilova and her partner Foxtroted terribly and earned

a 20. This review is running long so someone has to suffer. What else

were we supposed to do, make tennis jokes?

Katherine Jenkins and Mark performed a very impressive Foxtrot.

Katherine is apparently a classical singer trying to be a crossover

star, which is too bad because there is only room in America's heart

for one classical singer crossover star and Charlotte Church earned that spot. They get a 26.

Living Legend Gladys Knight and Tristan Cha-cha'ed. Gladys is pretty

much the coolest person ever and totally outclasses everyone on the

whole show. Her victory is as inevitable as Barry Gordy's robbing

every Motown star blind was in the 60's. They get a 23, probably only

because the judges didn't want the other teams to be discouraged by

how badly Gladys and Tristan are going to beat them.

Jaleel White and Kym closed the show with a truly wonderful Foxtrot.

It's like Jaleel wanted to prove anyone who has pigeon holed him as

Urkel wrong. Dude was pure Stefan Urquelle tonight. Hey, remember how

that girl from Family Matters wound up acting in adult movies. There

really isn't a joke here, it's just something we think about from time

to time. Jaleel and Kym are awarded 26 points.

And that's it for the season premiere of Dancing With The Stars. Our

bet is that Martina Navratilova goes home, mostly because we don't

know who she is and her name is hard to spell. Until next week!

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