Dancing With The Stars Week Eight: We'll Miss You, Stefan Urquelle

Last week, we had to say goodbye to Jaleel White on Dancing

With The Stars. Don't worry Jaleel, you've survived this long being a pop

cultural footnote, you're going to be fine!

Nevertheless, it's exciting times

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here on DWTS as the teams now perform two dances. Plus, this week the second

dances are all trios, where the teams are joined by returning pros who we will

refuse to acknowledge. Let's dig in!


Donald Driver and Peta start the traditional dances with a tango. Donald gets frustrated when he messes up. How frustrated? Enough to flip

his shirt over his head in shame. Granted, we weren't exactly the sporting type growing

up, but is that a football thing? Hide your face in your jersey when you miss a

catch, just like you get a free ice cream cake when you score a touchdown?

What's that? No ice cream cakes? What are they even playing for? He pulls

through and gets a 27.

Maria Menounos and Derek are still running high on their

perfect score from last week with a Viennese waltz, but they can't stop fighting. Their practices are

starting to resemble the last half of Blue Valentine, all swearing and

resentment. We give them two weeks before the alcoholism and aborted attempts

at oral sex begin. The turmoil pays off with a 28!

Melissa Gilbert and Maks attempted a foxtrot. And now that

we're in the later weeks, Melissa's lack of coordination is really showing.

They dance to Rod Stewart's "Maggie May." If you have Spotify, now would be a

good time to acquaint yourself with Rod Stewart's biography. Whoever wrote that

has a serious axe to grind. Are we changing the subject because Melissa and Maks are a

boring duo we have been waiting to get booted off? Sure. They get a disappointing

24.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark performed a lackluster Viennese waltz. To be fair, lackluster for them would have been one of the better

performances for Gladys Knight or Gavin DeGraw. Maybe they put big money on

throwing this week to even up a string of poor bets made on the Kentucky Derby.

Everyone knows gospel singers are degenerate gamblers. That's why Charlotte

Church got her legs broken after the 2009 World Series. The judges score them a

26.

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie are feeling the pressure with the foxtrot. And since Roshon is too much of a sweetheart to get into curse-filled

screaming matches with Chelsie, the producers brought in his grandmothers to

watch their rehearsals. Cute! Entertainment the whole family can enjoy, unlike that

upcoming Duets show ABC is peddling. We all know that having to perform

duets is what killed Frank Sinatra. The adorableness pays off with 29 points!

William Levy and Cheryl close the round of traditional

dances with a foxtrot of their own to The Stray Cats. Hopefully this is a trial

run for a Brian Setzer week on DWTS. They can have everyone swing dance and put

on zoot suits and dance to "Zoot Suit Riot." "How much fun would that be?" said nobody. William and Cheryl get that perfect

score of 30, which has to piss off Roshon so bad that he may even stay up past

11 p.m. tonight, just to be rebellious.

Due to space constrictions we're going to have to cover the

Trios dances in quick-hits style. This also simplifies things so that we don't

have to look up the names of eliminated pro dancers, who, in the words of our

father, "if they wanted us to know their names, then they wouldn't have chosen

to be losers!" Kidding! Donald and Peta jived and scored a 28. Maria and Derek

got a mere 25 points with their Bollywood samba. Melissa and Maks by some

miracle scored a 27. Katherine and Mark made up for their previous dance with a cha-cha for 29 points. Roshon and Chelsie and William and Cheryl went all paso doble

for dual 27s. So nothing too crazy, and yeah, it's another example of DWTS

filling time, but it was this or airing reruns of Tim Allen's new show that is

still inexplicably still on the air. "Boy it sure is tough being a man's man in

this day and age!" LOL, OK, whatever Tim Allen. Just do that barking thing.

Since this is a double elimination week, we'd venture that

this is Roshon and Melissa's week to exit. Unless people don't let parameters

like "talent" or "skill" factor into their votes. See you next week!

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