Dance Moms: Miami: Flamboyant, Exploitative, Pervy, and Everything Else You Expected
When Lifetime's new show, Dance Moms: Miami, was announced a few months ago, it polarized the nation. (Well, the trashy reality TV-watching parts of it, anyway.) Some cried out against yet another onslaught of programming about overbearing parents and their poor, overworked children who'll be fueling the mental therapy industry for years to come. Others just wanted to see more myopic-minded idiots yell at each other.
Well, Dance Moms: Miami finally premiered last night. And it was glorious ... ly ridiculous.
If you caught the debut of this program last night, you know this show is awful, but awesome. It highlights everything you hate about the stereotypical Magic City woman. And all that crazy is, well, kind of addictive; we'll be tuning in each week. Here are ten reasons why:
The Head Bitches in Charge: Dance Mom's has Abby Lee Miller. Dance Moms: Miami has Victor and Angel, the studio owners and coaches. We aren't sure how they met, but Angel was pretty forthcoming when explaining why they own the Stars Dance Studio. "We love the kids, but hate the moms, but we take them both. That is what we do to get paid."
The Cast: Oh yes, the actual moms and dancers. There's Jessi and Susan, the crazy mother-and-daughter duo; Kimmy, with her Brady Bunch like lisp, and Ani; Hannah and Debi (mother could use a dance class or ten); Lucas, the only boy (of course) and Brigette. Are they scripted? Hell yeah. But their insanity seems to come from within. Example: When Debbi sees Victor vomiting and feeling like death before a competition, she tells Angel, "Just get him a blanket." This is a ride or die group of gals.
Angel's Wardrobe: During his interviews, we see a lot of silk shirts
and fedoras all worn together -- terrible, but kind of expected for a Miami dance coach. But his style progressively got worse. Our favorite outfit of the night had to be his
5-7-9 clearance rack poncho with buttons only on one side. Buttons on half
can only be acceptable if it was half-priced. Or free. Or, actually, we hope someone paid him to wear it. OK, we need to move on. But wow -- that goddamn poncho.
Big Mama's House: Mayra is Victor's mother and one of the fellow bitches in charge at Stars. Her English isn't great. But when it is time to speak up, she says all she
needs to. Her greatest quality is most definitely her love of squabbling with the mothers. You know a part of her wants to break out into a full-blown Spanish fit when things get going. But because this show is on
Lifetime, we're guessing the producers made things like that off limits. Lifetime is crazy white, y'all.
The VIP List: If you have ever caught the original Dance Moms, you know that every week, Abby Lee Miller uses a pyramid to show the moms and the dancers who she feels did the best and who needs to improve. Nothing is new for Dance Moms: Miami. Every week, the children will be listed from the best to worst dancer. Oh yes, this will be great for their self-esteem. The kids seem to take it well, which can only mean more layers of deep-seated self-esteem issues to unpack on the therapy couch in 20 years.
Lucas: Oh, Lucas. We need to start out with the fact that he really is a great dancer. But at the risk of perpetuating the stereotype, we've gotta say it: Even at age 10, you can tell he we will all being seeing him at Pride in no time. When his mom catches him lifting weights, he informs her, "I need a good body for dance, duh." And let's not forget his perfectly groomed fohawk. Flame on, little dude.
The Children's Closet: Toddlers and Tiaras get a lot of shit for their choices of bejeweled gowns. Those critics are going to have a goddamn field day with the children on Dance Moms: Miami. We didn't know tube top bras and very short-shorts were made at Gap Kids. And let's not even talk about Lucas' very, very deep v-neck. If he doesn't love those now, he will eventually.
Kimmy & Lucas' Tango Duet: This just felt so wrong. We kept expecting Chris Hanson to make an appearance, all "And what were you intending to do with these children after they'd danced the forbidden dance for your entertainment?" Add a six-pack and some candy, and someone would've been arrested.
The Trophy Grabbing: Most of the episode focused on the crazy moms, but the kid dancers did have their moments. After an intense competition, Stars won first place! But wait -- when they received the trophy, veteran Jessi ripped it out of fellow veteran Hannah's hand and the drama broke out! ...between the moms, because god forbid anybody lets their own kid stick up for herself. We know, what we just wrote is pure ridiculousness.
The word Fierce: Even drag queens have cut back on their use of this
word. It's a little 2006, wouldn't ya say? Well, Stars Dance Studio
hasn't gotten that memo.
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