Crazy Hairy Ants Occupy Miami
Hairy crazy ants are on the move in Florida. In record hordes, they've invaded homes, federal complexes, and public spaces in urban areas. These ants are crazy because they move fast; hairy due to the density of skin. For weeks, the ants have bewildered people and scientists alike. What do they want exactly? How do we get rid of them? Only now, their true intent is known.
New Times has breaking news, a rare look into the psychological landscape of these ants, through the release of this exclusive manifesto:
As we gather in masses of ant solidarity to express a feeling of injustice and rage, we must not lose sight of our mission: to destroy, pollute, bombard, and overrun Miami. All ants who feel wronged by the corporate exterminators of the world (Orkin, Terminex) please realize, dear ant comrades, we are your allies. As one huge colony, united, we acknowledge the reality: the destruction of the human race requires the cooperation of our members; our ant system must protect our ant rights, and upon corruption of that system, it is up to ant colonies to protect our rights, and those of our neighbors.
A democratic ant-government derives its power from the madness of the
colony. Corporations do not seek permission to kill and exterminate our
colonies. They do so at their will, with an insatiable and atomic
ruthlessness. These corporate exterminators place profit over ants,
self-interest over justice and murder over co-existence. We have
frantically assembled here, as is our right, to let these facts be
Corporations have destroyed our anthills through a
barbaric foreclosure process, despite not owning nor even constructing
the original property. They have taken cash solicitations from humans
with impunity, and get rich off the holocaust of our colonies.
have perpetuated inequality and discrimination; they have poisoned our
food supply through negligence, and undermined the farming system
through monopolization. They have profited off of the torture,
confinement, and cruel treatment of countless of our ant brothers and
sisters, and actively hide these practices.
Corporate pesticides like Bonide continuously strip us of the right to exist.
have outsource labor to idiot exterminators who's mere existence seems
to mock our incredible ant work ethic. They've influenced the masses to
believe ants are horrible critters and need to be destroyed, while
spending millions of dollars on this propaganda, transforming our
privacy into a commodity. They've used the military and police force to
prevent the freedom of the ant. They determine ant policy, despite the
catastrophic failures the policies have produced and continue to
Corporate pesticides like Raid have donated large sums
of money to politicians supposed to be regulating them. They continue to
block alternate forms of extermination to keep us dependent on
chemicals. They block the funding necessary for us to achieve a level of
co-existence. Extermination is not the only option. We deserve a chance
to live. And for denying that chance, we are mad, and this madness will
manifest itself in horrific ways.
Corporate pesticides like
Ortho have purposely covered up accidents, faulty bookkeeping, and
inactive poisonous ingredients in pursuit of profit. They purposefully
keep people misinformed and fearful through their control of the media.
We are not to be feared, but admired. We can carry our weight and
then-some, and now we hurl it against those corporations who have
perpetuated these heinous crimes against our existence.
the ants of the world, exercise your right to assemble, occupy public
space, and create a process to address these problems we face. Join us
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