Comedian Nery Saenz Gives Seven Reasons Why Miami Is a Hot Mess
Say what you want about the great city of Miami: we all chose, or are forced, to live here and don't lie, you know you love it. Tourist and celebrities come from around the world to our beaches and even MTV thought a whole season of their moneymaker Jersey Shore needed to be shot in the 305. But, for all its perks, it's kind of a hot mess. Or at least that's what comedian Nery Saenz sees.
Sanez, named the funniest comedian by Miami New Times, has lived here his whole life and has no plans to move. Unless Comedy Centrals calls, then he is on his way to wherever they need him to be. And while he plans on getting married and raising a child here -- and both both are happening in 2011 -- he still considers this place a steamy hot mess. "A hot mess isn't a bad thing. It's something that is unpredictable and you never know what is going to happen next." Yeah, that sounds about right.
Need a little more explaining? Well, here is what the funny man had to say about some of the unique things about his hometown:
It's raining, and when it's raining where you are in Miami, there is a good chance it isn't where I am. I mean, that's just a strange concept. And when you go out in any other city, and its raining, you have to cancel your plans. Not here -- just give it a minute and wait. You can be on your way in a matter of minutes. Lets not even get started on the humidity. New York has four seasons, we have two: wet and hot. And wait, maybe three. Between August and September you just combine the two. But, where else in the country can you be in a bikini in November? That doesn't suck.
What I really love about fashion in Miami is that there is very little of it. I mean, the less clothes, the more ass and titties we get to see, so thank you to whoever chose that as South Florida's way of dressing. Fashion Gods, you have been great to us. And then there are the mannequins. I am not complaining, lets call them art work, but only in Miami do the mannequins look like grade-A porn stars.
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5. Dating Game
Girls say they cant find a good guy in Miami. That's because every girl is looking for that poet/marine/construction worker and it doesn't exist. You can't find the right guy because you need to lower your standards. It's funny, in the last year I have lost 100 pounds. And people are like, "Oh my God, why weren't you around when I was single?" I was! I was just fat. Ladies say they want that nice guy that will treat them nice. Well, I think that's nice, but it seems like nothing else gets the ladies going like a douchebag. We need a movement: Stop the douchebag cycle.
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4. Club Scene
People don't believe me when I say I am not a going out guy. When I am not at home, I am a comedy club. Our comedy clubs in Miami are top notch, so that's great for me. But maybe that's why I am getting married and having a kid. I don't like to go out because again, Miami is in love with the douchebags. We might as well call it the Jersey Shore. If you don't have half a months worth of hair product in your hair and lots of room on your credit card, going out just isn't the best time. And I say credit card because you know they don't have any actual money in their pocket. But don't make me out as cheap; I am just broke.
3. Job Market
Only in Miami, can you say your career is a "club promoter." Really? To go on Facebook and plaster people's walls with flyers is what you do? Remember the good ole days, yeah I am going back, where you had to actually go out and pass out a physical flyer? There is none of that anymore. Just get your ass on Facebook. I am not hating. I mean shit, it's actually kind of fascinating when you think about it. It just a hot ass mess.
2. Language Barrier
Neither of my parents speak a word of English and have lived here for a very long time. Where else do you hear of that? If a girl is hot and she only speaks Spanish, there is a good chance a guy trying to get with her will learn her language. It's way better than any Rosetta Stone.
1. Broward vs. Dade
What a hot mess it is that we live 20 minutes away from a county and the vast difference between both. I mean, where do I start with the differences? You talk to someone in Miami to come to a show at the Improv, they will assume it's the Miami one. When I inform them it's the one in Fort Lauderdale, they all of a sudden have plans that came up. I know people have been here for a majority of their lives and have no idea that Fort Lauderdale and Davie are completely different cities. Then I know those people that think anything north of Hialeah is Broward. But they are a different story.
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