Ever since Lebron James uttered the explosive and mildly inaccurate words "I'm gonna take my talents to South Beach," the whole world seems to have gone batshit. In Cleveland, grown men called sports radio shows to cry, wail, and announce the Apocalypse. Angry fans flooded the streets to burn jerseys and roll in the gutters. And jilted Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert issued a wildly worded open letter that read like a half-deranged breakup note, referring to "our former hero," a "cowardly betrayal," and making the all-caps claim: "I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE."
Meanwhile in Miami, the masses are gliding beatific and joyful through the streets, unabashedly singing the praise of King James. And now, Cocaine Cowboys producer Alfred Spellman has joined the chorus, telling Bloomberg Television that Lebron is going to save our city from economic immolation. Behold the Messiah!
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