Man, Miami, you're sort of awesome. There's so many things to love about you! Look at all of that warm sand and water, and the Everglades with its alligators. So cool. Palm trees are the best, aren't they? The rest of the U.S. is so envious of yours. There's art all over the place these days, too. No one can complain that you're uncultured anymore. Well, they can, but at least you'll have something to show them in defense of growth.
Still, no one and nothing is perfect. You certainly could use some work. That's why we compiled a little list of New Year's resolutions for you. Don't worry, you don't have to stop eating La Moon hot dogs at 3am. No one's going to ask you to stop saying "bro" or "Let's get down from the car." We're not even interested in harnessing your big booty/booby sex appeal, but there are a few things you need help with. Read on, please.
Don't get so wasted during Basel
This is a tall order, we know. We're not asking you to not take advantage of the endless free drinks, we're just saying that you could ease up a bit and not be the drunkest girl at the party.
Everyone here is tired of hearing you say how much you regret last night's booze fest, how you shouldn't have slept with that girl/guy, and how you forgot where your car/underwear/friends/shirt are.
While you're at it, maybe you could look at more art during Basel, too. That is the purpose of the whole affair.
Get off your ass and run the ING Marathon
Miami, you look good. You're positively HOT. Here, you've got some of the better looking people that the U.S. has to offer. Have you been to Wichita? It's terrifying.
Miami is in pretty good shape, but how about getting in even better shape? The ING Marathon is the perfect time to do just that. You don't like waking up before noon, we know, but that doesn't mean that you cannot wake up before noon. This year is better than any other to start training.
Ride a bike, put in bike roads
In a similar vein, ride more bike. It not only will help you look and feel better, but it will also ease up some of this monstrous traffic. Perhaps moving closer to your job isn't an option, but how about pairing up cycling with the Metrorail? And while you're at it, Miami, more bike roads would be a nice New Year's present.
Enjoy the culture
It's hard to imagine that people are still criticizing you for not being cultural enough. Maybe it's because so many people living within county lines still don't know what Wynwood is. Or because there are folks who have lived here their whole lives and have never been to MAM. How is this possible? Not a clue. What a turn off. Get cuter on the inside, give your brain a workout, get thee to a museum. Go.
Read a book or news
Miami, you can boast that you have one of the best independent bookstore chains in the country right here in town. Books and Books is not a long bike ride from your front door. Go grab a book and read it. This will make you a more interesting city with which others will want to converse. Also, please start reading the news, or at least watch Jon Stewart or something. Just because you're way down here at the tip of the country doesn't mean you get to be out of touch with the rest of the world.
Recycle, compost, something
As it currently seems, you don't really care about recycling. You're not super-concerned about the environment past your front lawn. It would take someone building a mall over the Everglades to get you out to a county commission meeting. Sure, there's some sort of program in M-D County, but let's just say, it's a little inconvenient for anyone living in an apartment, or anyone living pretty much anywhere else for that matter.
Appreciate the beauty that is Miami
Take a look at the pictures in your friends' phones. They've got at least twenty shots of beautiful Miami sunsets.
Miami, you're beautiful. Sure, you're not perfect. Maybe you've no clue who the president of France is. You can't name more than one local art gallery. It'll be five years before your neighbors in Kendall have heard of O Cinema. The last book you read was Fight Club and that was when the movie came out. Lucky for you, these are all things that you can change. Let 2012 be the year you get in shape on the inside as well as the outside.
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