Castro Death Meter: Sex Machine Fidel is Now Only 56 Percent Dead, Experts Fear
On Monday, Riptide sent recently-published photos of Fidel Castro sitting in a hospital-style wheelchair thingy to a team of high-priced lab-coat-wearing experts. The experts fed the photos, along with a copy of a new book in which a "former official" named "Ramon" claims that Fidel slept with a Wilt-Chamberlain-shaming 35,000 women, into their fancy computer and late yesterday afternoon came back with some very alarming results:
El Supremo hasn't been less dead since 1986.
Among the telltale signs: in the photos of him shooting the shit with the Nicaraguan president, he clearly has everybody in stitches. He probably told some classic rip-roarer -- you know how Fidelito gets when he's all hopped up on Metamucil and tyranny. Nobody tells a better story, bro.
And then there's the fact- - for how could it be anything but if it comes from "Ramon"? -- of the three-thousand-dozen mamas he's tickled with his beard. When you have that much sex, you never die.
After the jump, our experts break it down with a little help from Microsoft Paint.
How dead is he?: 56 percent.
How dead is that?: Well, he's more dead than Tupac Shakur but less dead than Ted Williams. Two out of three funeral directors would have no professional qualms embalming Fidel in his current state, but top Cuban officials (including "Ramon") tell us he is still faster than Usain Bolt, remains hotter than Colin Farrell, and has been way deader, like, tons of times.
How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Extremely. We're hearing word that, in order to show his revived strength, Fidel might just ban something from the island for the hell of it -- like rainbow sprinkles. Since he already axed strawberry topping in '94, ice cream in Cuba could be less delicious than ever.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.