First, a few facts about Fidel Castro: His favorite movie scene is that part in Batman where the Joker's hand suddenly reaches out of the boiling vat of acid. His all-time fave baseball team was the never-say-die 1986 Mets. And his favorite biblical figure is Methuselah, who lived to 969 years old.
Yesterday, el super supremo met with a former Brazilian president, Señor Longname, who described Fidel's apparent health exceptionally well."
This comes on the heels of news that Cuban television will begin airing a series called The One Who Had to Live, about Fidel's survival of 638 assassination attempts. We're guessing Fidel will play himself, do all of his own stunts, and make out with the Cuban version of Angelina Jolie at the end.
It all begs the question: When is God -- who, by the way, began wearing a long white beard only after he saw Fidel doing it -- going to get around to assassinating this guy? We hired several high-priced experts who, wearing hazmat suits and using tongs, fed photos from Fidel's Wednesday appearance into a gigantic, whirring computer. The results are dismaying.
First, the good news: Fidel, as can be seen by the naked eye in the photo above, is suffering from an enlargement and pinching of facial features. Also, he's getting really veiny. This is an affliction known as Joe Camel's disease, which felled the cartoon pitchman in 1997. Eventually, our medical experts suggest, Fidel's head will simply explode from the pressure, spraying his closest advisors, who will then go watch Internet porn and start Tumblr accounts.
The bad news: At this rate, that might not happen until 2047. After the jump, our geeks break it down.
How dead is he?: 43 percent.
How dead is that?: For the first time in more than a decade, he's less dead than River Phoenix -- and about an equal level of dead with Joaquin Phoenix. Put it this way: You know the dead guy in Weekend at Bernie's? He's about that dead -- but at the level in the sequel, where the corpse can dance to Caribbean music. And Fidel still throws a better party than P. Diddy, Cuban officials say.
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How fearful should the American oligarchy be? Quaking in its blinged-out cowboy boots. While he's not at Cuban Missile Crisis strength, he could be well enough to transcribe a strongly worded letter to the International Olympic Committee denouncing Vancouver for ignoring Cuba's superior figure-skating talents -- comprised mainly of a guy named Pedro who practices on roller skates in a Havana park.