We never thought we'd live to see the end of reality TV's fascination with guidos.
For three years, Jersey Shore pounded the stereotype into our collective consciousness with nonstop fist-pumps, hairspray, and GTL-ing. Ever since, the United States of America has been under the psychic spell of the Italian-American.
But with the news that MTV's redneck reality mega-hit, Buckwild, has been renewed for a second season, its clear that the nation has shifted its fetishistic voyeurism away from hard-partying grease balls and onto hard-partying Southerners. And Buckwild star Salwa Amin's recent arrest on drug possession charges will only keep viewers tuning in.
West Virginia's new to the game, but the Magic City reigns supreme when it comes to pissing awaying brain cells and dignity while living like a nocturnal Caligula. So why haven't we had a generalizing and parodical reality TV series based on one of our myriad booze-swilling ethnic minorities? No, the second season of Jersey Shore doesn't count --but after the jump, you'll find five stereotypes that would.
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky: Hot or Not?
Little Moscow and/or Russian Hookers
Let's start with Miami-Dade County's most under-parodied demographic: Ruskies! And, hey, we've got a spectrum to work with down here. You want lil' ol' babushkas knitting and kvetching and singing folk songs about working in Stalinist coal mines? Well, set the cameras up in the heart of North Miami Beach's Sunny Isles. Or are you trying to go edgy-new-Internet, and produce a show about Russian hookers bamboozling wealthy playboys in South Beach? The choice is yours. We're too busy refreshing Putin's Instagram feed to make a decision.
Charlton Heston AKA Moses
The Chosen People
The cast would be eight Orthodox Jewish seventh graders, each with his own Bar Mitzvah coming up that season. And the footage would cover everything from Hebrew School to poppin' collars (and boners) on the dance floor.
Pepe Billete: Puppet or Stereotypical Simulacrum?
Is Pepe Billete the embodiment of Cuban masculinity, a racist stereotype, both, neither, a simulacrum of the first two, or some kind of incomprehensible mix of all five aforementioned options? Yeah, sure, Latino Americans are due some reparations. But when will somebody finally defend Latino American puppets? Or give our most outlandish Latino puppet young adults their own faux docu-drama?
Wesley Willis, the man behind that timeless, universal pop-rock ditty, "Suck a Cheetah's Dick"
Crazy People on the Street
The wayward souls who mutter to themselves while pacing around Government Center plaza are the most tragic slice of society in the 305. They need help, not a reality TV show. But this country sucks at caring for the mentally ill, making a reality series far more likely. Besides, are they really all that much crazier than adults who have renamed themselves The Situation and Snooki? At the very least, they must be more entertaining.
Basickally, MTV should have cashed in on chongas ages ago.
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Imagine if Miami had its own custom Statue of Liberty, and that statue were turned into a real person, cloned, and drove real shitty on the 836. The result: A Chonga army. Can you think of a better follow-up to guidos and rednecks? Dale!