Brocations: What Are They and Should You Take One?
Every guy needs to take a solid brocation on a special broliday. Brolidays can be anything: bachelor party, team victory, or finally understanding why it is anyone gives a shit about the return of the McRib.
A brocation is a vacation where dudes go some place to have some good, testosterone-filled fun. It's no place for women they know on a first-name basis. And there are no limits on the sort of debauchery that can go down during a brocation. But most of all, there's a strict "shut the fuck up about that thing that happened, you know the thing, the thing with that chick and her whatever. Yeah, that thing" policy in place.
It's when you have to nut up and do things so depraved they'll make your childhood cry, because these are the big leagues, bitch. It all may sound like some lawless stretch of time (or bad Judd Apatow movie), however, there are a strict set of rules that must be followed on any legitimate brocation. These aren't guidelines, these are rules, and you can't half-ass them. The rules are as follows:
1. Never leave a bro behind. Let's say you guys are on your
brocation and you head out to a club. Your boy Frank the Tank gets
loaded on X and downs a few too many Jäger bombs then passes out in the
bathroom after buying some street-grade Lidocaine from some Persian guy
who claimed that if you rub it on your thing, you'll last longer.
The asshole bathroom attendant tells a bouncer and suddenly a whole
cadre of tourism police shows up with tasers. Back in your hometown, you
can leave that motherfucker there so he'll learn his lesson. However,
on a brocation that's unacceptable. You can't just leave him there. If
homeboy gets a court date, he'll have to hightail his ass back to that
jurisdiction. Never leave a bro behind.
2. Everyone needs to drink. If this is a brocation with Mormons, too bad, time to get shit-faced.
If this is a brocation with recovering alcoholics, too bad, time to
hammer your way back to step one. A lot of times friends haven't seen
their other friends truly drunk before. This is the opportunity to
share. Then down the line, you can mock your buddy T-Bone because he's
the kind of drunk that sheds manly tears and tells the group he can only
get off to ladyboy porn, which brings us to the final, crucial rule.
3. Whoever wasn't there shall not be told all the details.
It'd be fucked up if everyone back home found out about T-Bone and his
affinity for dickgirl porn. It's 2011, being liberal is all good and
everyone knows sexuality is shades of gray rather than black and white,
but if the poor guy's circle of friends started saying the T in T-Bone
stands for "tranny" it crosses a boundary that can never be uncrossed.
There are things that can be shared with everyone about the vacation,
like "haha, Fat Fred lost a foot race to a midget." Other things need to
be kept between the participating crew, like "Beanie snowballed a
If you follow those three rules, you're guaranteed to have a stellar brocation.
far as brocation locations, that's pretty simple as well. First you
need to assess the sort of ambiance you wish to establish. There are
three main types of settings.
1. For utter craziness, Las Vegas.
If you do it right, you'll get action the first night. If done
correctly, there will be at least one major story you'll hide from
everyone back home. Maybe Broseidon's newfound gambling problem cost him
the $10 grand he had saved for an engagement ring he promised his
girlfriend. Or perhaps Bobby Bitchtits unintentionally participated in
some minor human trafficking. Whatever the story may be, this sort of
brocation is where scenes like that play out.
2. For a chill time, road trip.
Granted, Hollywood would have you believe that these can easily
escalate into degeneracy the likes of which make a Dirty Sanchez seem
like the way French people say hello. The reality is these are generally
pretty tame. They're fun, and hitting up bars in different states can be an experience, especially if you do it in Arizona without documentation.
3. For manly outings, camping.
Camping is awesome. There are multiple degrees of camping, from
"camping lite" to "making Bear Grylls shit his pants and drink his own
piss again." The more extreme, the more opportunity for story-worthy
shit to go down. Having to dig a hole to drop a deuce is grand. Getting
plastered in the woods with your boys telling stories about the first
time they dated a girl that swallows is a bonding experience. Having
Trader Joe freeze the group when he says his fantasy is for his
girlfriend to DP him with a double strap-on is eye-opening. This is what
happens on manly brocations.
So should you
take one? Absolutely. There's no better stress reliever in existence
than a break from day-to-day life to spend it far from anyone else you
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