Breaking News: Teenage Hispanic Girl (Selena Gomez) Visits Miami Mall
Selena Gomez is Justin Bieber Light. She's one of those Disney alums you made bets over whether she'll turn out looking hot like Hilary Duff or unfortunate like Raven-Symoné. (We're sure Raven is nice on the inside or whatever, but the lack of a booming "Chicks Hot on the Inside!" porn market tells the whole story. That's not very Raven.)
With that said, now's your chance to try to seduce Ms. Gomez before security tackles you in front of some asshole trying to sell you a magical nail-polishing block, a back-flipping puppy, or a tiny RC helicopter. She'll be at International Mall June 21, marking the first time since three seconds ago a teenager hung out in a mall.
It turns out Shieber is promoting yet another movie with pretty white
girls doing pretty white girl things (Monte Carlo). We wish more pretty white girls
10th Annual Memorial Weekend Comedy Festival
TicketsSun., May. 28, 8:00pm
Young Contemporary Dance Theatre
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TicketsSun., Jun. 4, 1:00pm
Cuban Classical Ballet of Miami
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would make more movies where crazy shit goes down. So far Dakota Fanning
is the only one of her generation pulling off that sort of stunt --
chick gets raped in a movie and she's only, like, fetus years old. That's
some dedication to your craft right there.
If there were more movies like Precious and fewer movies starring any woman + Matthew McConaughey, it's a scientific certainty that the Tiananmen Square Massacre would just somehow spontaneously reverse itself.
Anyway, if you Google this Selena Gomez, you'll immediately panic when you find
her attractive even though she looks like someone the age R. Kelly
would urinate on for sport. Worry not, latent pedo, for she is indeed of
legal fornication age, so there's no need for you to clear your search
history and read Vanity Fair just to even shit out.
But let's get off poor, innocent Selena's back, because according to the lack of bullshit about her on TMZ,
she hasn't hurt a fly. Plus, honestly, we can't complain considering
all of the other disasters that have come out of Disney, like Miley
Cyrus and Miley Cyrus's jacked-up grill. (For contrast, check out our five worst offenders of mediocre talent.)
See Gomez Tuesday, June 21, from 2 to 6:30 p.m. There will be a makeover station and photo station from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. at Miami International Mall (inside mall, in front of Macy's Women, 1455 NW 107th Ave., Miami).
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