Breaking Into Porn: The Best Worst Decision You'll Ever Make

Genital insertion on video is a multi-billion dollar industry. If you want your piece of the pie, you're probably going to need some help navigating your way around the sketchy-ass world of fluffers, strap-ons, and overacting. Luckily for you, I'm just the guy to teach you a thing or two about it. Am I a pornography expert? No. However, I'm man enough to admit I watch porn even knowing my parents will read this article, plus I'm what you call a Wikipedia enthusiast so I pick up a lot of random information we can incorrectly apply to this little course.

First things first, if you want to break into the porno biz, you need to understand that you can never run for politics. Yes, we all know the Republican party fucks America for sport, but the difference is they don't do it on-screen. Once you make the conscious decision to perform the Devil's Symphony in front of a camera, you've effectively decided you never want a Nobel Prize or to decide a nation's fate. If you're cool with this, let's proceed.

It's All in the Name

Obviously, you've gotta get yourself a porn name. There are a ton of

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porn name generators on the Internet, the most famous of which is one

that creates identities based on the street you grew up on and the name

of your first pet. If you're from Miami, that's not going to work too

well unless you want your name to be 107th Avenue Sam. You just need to

pick a name that "sounds" like it's out of a porno. Take my name, for

instance, Orlando Winters. It works as a perfect porn name. Winters are

bitter, cold, drop a lot of white stuff, and don't care if

they'll make you late for work. It's coincidentally how I am toward

women post-coitus. Coming up with a name is the easy part.

We're going to go the independent route. This doesn't mean making artsy

films that just so happen to feature back door action when the

protagonist finds out his wife is bi-polar. I'm talking about an online

enterprise you fund yourself.

You'll need to name your site something and register a domain name to go

along with it. If you're the humorous type, try to make it a cheesy

play on words. For example, if you're going to specialize making British

royal family-themed porn you can call it "Your Royal Thighness." You

can also opt for the more obvious approach where you don't beat around

the bush and name your site descriptive to what's going on. "Bang Bus"

is a great example. It's a bus in which lots of banging occurs. You'll

find a lot of these, and there's never a miscommunication. If you call

your site "Ebony Secrets" people will wonder if it's a web site about

black people keeping things to themselves, but if you call it, "Black

People Having Sex" they'll know what's up.

Find the Talent

Finding someone to tickle a g-spot is easier than finding the g-spot.

Just use Craigslist. Craigslist is one of man's greatest inventions when

it comes to furthering depravity. I just spent a couple of minutes

browsing the "casual encounters" section and I contracted syphilis. If

there's any place on Earth where you can find yourself someone willing

to put an object in their hole, take it out and put it in their other

hole, then take it out and put it in their OTHER hole, it's Craigslist.

Here's an example of something you can post on Craigslist to cast your scene:

We're in need of a furry scene as part of a dream sequence in our adult

film. You'll be wearing a full-body bunny costume with an opening in the_____ and ____ area. There are a couple of minor speaking lines in

which you'll mimic Bugs Bunny, things like "ehhh, what's up cock?"

Nothing too complicated.

Bust size is not important as the suit will aid in creating a large

size, but height requirements are strict. Female must be between 5'3"

and 5'6".

Pay is $800 for the scene.  Please send photos and any samples.

STD screening is mandatory and we'll take care of preparations.

Let's Get It On

You've got your name, your web site, and your talent. Now you need to

intercourse your talent. Sexually. Don't worry about getting a

cameraman. Just set up a tripod cam recording you from one angle, and a

handheld camera so you can record from a POV angle. If you're dead-set

on higher production values, Craigslist to the rescue. Or, better yet,

you can walk the streets of downtown until you find someone in an

unemployment line who used to be a videographer. Remember that homeless dude

with the golden voice that used to be a radio broadcaster? Anything is

possible, and for a bottle of Cisco he'll even style your hair down

there (yes, there).

Do your thing, try not to cry as you realize what depths you've sunk to

and how you're going to explain this to people at your 10-year high

school reunion, and properly edit everything so viewers have no idea you

ejaculated post-haste.

Profit

There's probably a marketing step missing there somewhere, but Wikipedia

didn't do a good enough job of explaining to me how to teach you to

market your amateur porn site. The point is, right now you're probably

swimming in tens of dollars thanks to your new registered sex-offender

monthly subscriber!

Pat yourself on the back and enjoy your obvious daddy issues.

--Orlando Winters

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