Basketball Wives Episode 14: A Million Reasons to Love Evelyn Lozada
You know you're on Basketball Wives when your getaway in paradise somehow becomes the most dreadful time of your life.
Can we give a quick shout out to the poor families on vacation who were also staying at the Wives' resort that week? Poor things.
If you missed last week's episode, count yourself lucky. Episode 13 was all kinds of terrible. We left off with Tami Roman bringing
Kesha Nichols to tears over a purse -- so much drama that Kesha packed up her Gap Kids-sized
clothing and went back to Miami. Episode 14, naturally, begins with the ladies back
in Tahiti as if nothing has happened. Or do people usually sail off on a sunset cruise
after verbally assaulting someone? Because Tami does.
The ladies boozed and cruised, and talked about, we don't know, stuff. There was only one thing we could focus on: Tami, who drinks her beer with a straw. And not just any beer. A Bud Light. As if we needed more reasons to ridicule her.
Oh, look, it's Shaunie O'Neal! Shaunie is the booty call of the Wives. You rarely see her, but when you do, its magical. In season three, we were lucky if she made a cameo once a month. The fourth time around is no different. But she is very much a part of this Tahitian adventure. (And let's be honest -- if you have your pick of Basketball Wives episodes, you're going to choose to star in the one where they're hanging out in a tropical wonderland.) Shaunie's speaking Ebonics, getting in on the pranks, hanging onto hot jet ski instructors, gossiping like a middle school girl, and generally being delightful. Booty on, Shaunie.
Last week's episode had too much bullying, even for our taste. When the girls punked crazy Kenya Bell, we actually felt bad for her. But now that it's a new day, we can see how putting dead fish in her bungalow is pretty hilarious. Or is it more comical that the girl is sleeping in there like there is nothing wrong?
Just when we thought this episode was going to be full of boring dinners and heavy drinking, Kenya finally decides to leave her hut. Things go from bad to worse when she sits down, backs up her chair, and lets her Casey Anthony eyes come out. The craziest part is that while this is happening, Shaunie starts talking about how afraid she is of Kenya. Oh, did we mention she is sitting 12 inches away from Kenya?
Kenya admits she is upset at Evelyn for her throwing a bottle of wine at her head. Well, obviously. We mean, who wouldn't be? (Actually, we would be honored to have Evelyn chuck booze at our skull. But that's just us.) Mrs. Lozada decides that it is finally time to put the past in the past and admit her wrongdoing. Please check out the quote below to fully feel the touching words:
Her tone was exactly the way we imagine she'd order a Big Mac at McDonald's. That's sincere, right? God, we love that bitch.
But we might love this even more: Kenya finally admits she is crazy. When we interviewed Kesha, she did her best not to call her out -- perhaps because she was afraid that after reading, Kenya would head straight to her home, bat in hand. But hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Moments later, all these bitches are hanging at the pool. Yep, bipolar disorder at its finest. Just as things were calming down, Evelyn decides to talk things out with Jennifer. You might have thought to yourself: "Kenya and Evelyn made up. Maybe they will too!" Or you might be a sentient being who knows there's not a chance in hell of that happening.
Before Evelyn could get a word out, Jennifer decided they were not going to be friends today and headed for the hills as quick as she could. Luckily, Evelyn followed closely behind while screaming about why and how she hates her. Again, we'd die for her. Call us, Ev!
Next week, we get to hear Evelyn explain how Jennifer doesn't use condoms. Oh, goody.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.