Bang! Bang! Pow! Pow!

Guns don’t kill people; people kill people. When will the people finally own up to their responsibility in getting killed and leave the guns out of it? A good place to start looking for answers is the Miami edition of the traveling Florida Gun Show. Which way to the gun show, you ask? Head to the Miami-Dade County Fair & Expo (10901 SW 24th St., Miami) this Saturday and Sunday. Let’s face the facts: Nowhere else in Miami this weekend will you find a convention dedicated to dangerous hobbies, like texting while driving or mixing prescription medications without a doctor’s supervision. There will be all kinds of guns for attendees and exhibitors to buy, trade, or sell. Wrap your warm, living hands around, say, the muskets and muzzle-loaded pistols that the writers of the Second Amendment would have been familiar with in the 18th Century. Whether you’re in the market for a bazooka to replace the four remotes your TV set requires, or you want an aircraft carrier to pick off varmints on the weekend, there is sure to be something to suit your unique needs. But if the background check doesn’t work out (LOL), your very presence is a stand against the jackbooted thugs who try to make “assault” sound like a bad thing when classifying rifles. (Look for fun accessories for sale too, such as jackboots.) Speaking of accessorizing: Keeping your weapons where others can see them is as démodé as clipping a cell phone to your belt. Instead, take one of the four concealed weapons classes that will be offered at 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. both days of the show. If you have the $59 fee for the class, you’re obviously smart enough to learn everything you need to know about gun safety in two hours. Feeling lonesome and misunderstood? Mutually assured destruction has two advantages over regular destruction: “Mutual” means you’re not alone, and “assured” hints at the confidence that can only come from having a Roomba-like machine (instead of potato chip crumbs) in your pocket that targets people who cut you off in traffic.
Sat., July 26, 9 a.m.-5 p.m.; Sun., July 27, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., 2014