Bacon Stops Nosebleeds, and Nine Other Incredible and Inedible Uses for Tasty Fried Pig
People love themselves some bacon. They idolize it. Worship it. Some would probably inject it into their veins, if bacon heroin existed. And we're positive that there's a growing minority out there who are mad jealous of Kevin Bacon solely for having the last name "Bacon."
Think we're being as dramatic as Miss Piggy? Think again, Kermit. Bacon spurs cult pages on Facebook, inspires vegetarians to create their own sad, Band-Aid-ish alternatives, and even provokes douchebags to create incredibly un-kosher Hitler costumes out of the deliciously crispy, strips of pork. How can you sleep at night, knowing you've abused bacon like that, Hitler-douche? How?
As a species, we're not even satisfied with the phenomenal flavor of pure bacon. We feel the need to top cupcakes with it, coat it in chocolate, and infuse it into our vodka. But what about all the other uses for bacon? The fatback is so ridiculously awesome that it has to be good for something ;more than making our tummies smile. So we put on our detective hats, busted out our magnifying glasses, killed a few ants, and then found 10 incredible yet inedible uses for bacon. (Sorry, ants.)
1. It can be used as cologne
Because what woman doesn't want a man who smells like a roadside diner?
2. It stops nose bleeds
Seriously, stick it up your nose and the bleeding will subside.
3. It gives you a soft pucker
Honestly, after Butter Balm, we're surprised Paula Dean didn't come up with this one herself.
4. It can be used as a wallet
And give a whole new meaning to the term meat wallet.
5. It can be used as a lance
Bacon is so kickass is can burn through a steel pan!
6. It aids in proper oral hygiene
Because who doesn't associate minty fresh breath with dead pig?
7. It can be used as a rocket
So you can eat bacon on the moon! Uhm, sorta.
8. It can help you get high
Bacon flavored rolling papers help you figure out before you even smoke what you'll crave when the munchies strike. Very crafty, bacon. Very crafty indeed.
9. It can help cause quite an explosion
Proving that bacon is indeed the bomb.
10. It can be used as a bra
Finally, edible underwear that tastes great!
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