Dear Stoner: How long have people been getting high on marijuana?
— Sean in Lakewood
Dear Sean: Recorded cultivation of cannabis for fiber goes back as far as 7,000 years in some parts of the world — that much we know. As for how long humans have been getting stoned, that's something we're still trying to figure out. We do know that the first human to ever get stoned quickly became the most laid-back person in his tribe, though.
The oldest known marijuana stash meant for getting stoned was discovered in 2008 at a burial site some 2,700 years old. Talk about letting your buds cure out! Scientists in the Gobi Desert in China found about a pound of dried-out cannabis near the remains of what appeared to be a shaman for the long-extinct Gushi people. And it wasn't just for making rope, either: The seeds in the bowl weren't viable, but they did indicate that the plants were likely grown for high THC content and not for hemp fibers. In short, the herb was more for getting lifted and less for lifting things. The ancient herb is on display at the Turpan Museum in China. (It won't get you high, so don't get any Mission: Impossible-esque ideas.)
Dear Stoner: My retired parents want to try marijuana. I don't know what I should do about that since they used to bust me for smoking back in the day.
— Kind Kid
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Dear KK: Don't bogart that stuff, man. If your parents want to try it, help them out: Give them a ganja lesson on how strains not only look, smell, and taste different from one another but also have different effects. Pick an uplifting sativa hybrid like Island Sweet Skunk that won't put them down for the count on the couch, and keep dosing low. Even if your folks are former tokers, odds are they weren't smoking buds this strong.
Impress them with your joint-rolling skills. Or if they're opposed to smoking, bake some classic pot brownies. This is your chance to show off what you really learned in college.
But all of this doesn't mean you can't get your mom and dad back for the hell they used to give you. Try this prank that a friend's older sister played on us in high school: Once your folks are nice and baked with some Allman Brothers on the stereo and munchies in full effect, spread ghost pepper sauce on the underside of some wheat thins and lay them out on a plate with a bowl of hummus in the middle. It'll take about four or five crackers before the searing firemouth sets in. While they run to put their tongues under the kitchen faucet, remind them of that quarter bag of Skunk they made you flush the day of your senior prom.