Art Basel not only offers an overload of visual stimulation, it also presents a time to dredge up any tragic feelings of rejection you experienced in your youth. Sure, there are like 300 openings and parties each and every night of next week, but there are only like three you want to go to. Those are the three you weren't invited to. Those are the parties where the door guy will tell you, with a look of disgust, that you aren't good enough to enter.
So why worry about those parties? Because, you never know, you could just end up sneaking by the door dude. Maybe someone will look at you and be like, "You. Yes, you, the one with the neon booty shorts. Come right this way. Ms. Sarandon has requested you play a game of ping pong with her in her suite." Probs not, but whatever. Here's a list of festivities that you're not invited to and which will only know about and not attend.
Susan Sarandon's SPiN and MOCA party
So, like we mentioned, Susan Sarandon will be in town playing her favorite sport. She's an investor at SPiN, a New York ping pong club. She's bringing her paddle to Di Lido Island for MOCA's Second Annual Spin Galactic party at the Standard for an artsy tournament. It's not that you can't buy your way into this party, but it'll cost ya and you might have missed the boat on paying your way. Wear your shortest shorts on December 3 at 9 p.m. and maybe you'll blend in with the crowd.
Book art at Soho House
Word is Taschen, the company that makes incredibly elaborate, large, and sometimes very expensive art books, will be having a party with artist Mark Ryden at Soho House on December 1.
Butts and books with P. Diddy
On the same tip, a few months back, we chatted some about the new coffee table book Culo. Yes, it's called ass. The book had its own trailer and looked a little, flat, if you will. No big butts abounded. However, photographer Raphael Mazzucco is coming to town on December 2 and will be honored at a party at Mr. Chow at the W by Vista Jet, Jimmy Iovine and Mr. Sean P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs.
To wear, not to eat with Tilda Swinton
Pringle of Scottland is very different from the Pringles of the USA. While ours taste delicious, the UK version are soft and wearable. The clothing brand is opening a pop up shop in the Design District with a party on December 2 hosted by British actress Tilda Swinton. It'll take place from 8:30 to 11 p.m., just wander around the DD and figure out where it is, cause they're not saying.
Interview's you're-really-not-sneaking-in party
Remember when Andy Warhol started Interview magazine? No, we don't either, but aren't you glad he did? The big Interview party this year is taking place at a private home on Indian Creek Island and being hosted with Ferrari guy Peter M. Brant and Sotheby's Tobias Meyer. Sort of a stretch from the drag queens and drugs of the old days, huh?
Russell Simmons and gin and art
Russell Simmons is not just a greedy, rich mogul, he gives back. Along with his brothers Danny and "RevRun" Joseph, Simmons created the Rush Philanthropic Arts Foundation which is teaming up this year with Bombay Sapphire to create the Artisan Series in search of the next big thing in art. The party takes place on December 2 at the DuPont Building.
Deitch at Raleigh
Undisputedly, the best party every year is thrown by Jeffery Deitch, formerly of Deitch Projects and now of LA MOCA. One year at his exclusive Raleigh party, every table was presented with boxes of MAC makeup. This is a fact (we still wear the eye shadow to this day). There's a section for the public to check out Soulwax and DJ 2MANYDJS, but there's also the good section with the booze and champagne. Good luck getting in!
You saw Limelight at O Cinema like a good Miami boy/girl, didn't you? You should have. It's the bouncing baby of Miami boys, filmmakers Alfred Spellman and Billy Corben. It examines the rise and fall of NY nightclub master Peter Gatien. Gatien's daughter Jen will be hosting a party and a screening at the Shelborne's Lucy Cantina Royale, a taco and tequila bar on December 1 at 6 p.m. The theme is St. Tropez. If you rock your best white linen and biggest sunglasses, maybe someone'll let you in.
Nick Cave and Fendi
Performance artist, not musical artist, Nick Cave will be wearing a "soundsuit" at Beats by Dr. Dre sans Dre in the Design District on December 2 at Fendi Casa.
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Rubell it up
For those of you who actually like art, Jennifer Rubell is bringing back her annual food-art breakfast with "Incubation," on December 1 in the morning at the Rubell Family Collection (95 W 29th Street, Miami). If you stay up too late partying at former Perrotin Gallery's M Building, uber-French, super fun party the night before, you might not make it to breakfast. However, you also might not be let in. Denny's in right down the street.