Aqua Girl 2012 Revelers: An Anthropological Study
Photo by George Martinez
Anthropologists have long studied the North American lesbian woman, with little to no success in recording accurate data. We at Cultist decided to take to the field and conduct our own anthropologistic-ish study at one of the most popular, well-known, and populated lesbian happenings in the world -- Aqua Girl's five-day, lesbo-riffic whirlwind of events catering to lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women.
We concluded that the '50s, an era when most LBT women felt that they had to confine themselves to being either femme or butch, are long gone. Those social confines no longer exist and LBT women present themselves in many variations. We studied the fascinating creatures at Aqua Girl 2012 and noticed several subspecies, including some of the male variety.
Feel free to use our handy guide to identify these fine specimens on your own.
Not to be confused with her heterosexual counterpart, the bimbus siliconis, the goddessius siliconis is not "strictly dickly." She is quite inquisitive by nature and prone to asking about your job, your car, your finances, and your opinion on prenups. She enjoys the best life has to offer and is not afraid to go after it. Her natural habitat consists of places where she will find others who enjoy the finer things in life, such as the opera, the symphony, and charity balls.
A rare breed indeed, the male Fruit Flyticus.
Photo by Ily Goyanes
There have been several classes of fruit flies recorded, but anthropologists have only been able to collect data on the female of the species. Recently, studies indicate that the male of the species has been slowly coming out of the closet and revealing itself to outsiders. Much like its female counterpart, the male fruit fly tends to gravitate toward gay people of the opposite sex; however, unlike its female counterpart, the male fruit fly also tends to be gay.
We come in peace. Take us to your lesbians.
Photo by Ily Goyanes
You're a Good Man Charlie Brown: Young Professionals
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 2:00pm
Miami Curves Week Presents: Curves & Comedy
TicketsFri., Jul. 21, 9:00pm
TicketsSat., Aug. 5, 8:00pm
TicketsWed., Oct. 11, 6:30pm
Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Tour
TicketsFri., Dec. 29, 8:00pm
At first glance the socceritis momchilia may appear to be an algebria teacherilis or even a midwesternia mormonitis, but upon closer observation she is nothing like these tamer breeds. The socceritis momchilia has plenty of disposable income and migrates from circuit party to circuit party, consuming booze, spreading tourist dollars, and picking up bitches.
"You just haven't met the right man yet, ladies."
It is extremely rare to spot a sneakibooti persisticus at a circuit party such as Aqua Girl, because the organizers of such events take great pains to create an environment which involves a 0:100 testosterone to estrogen ratio. Due to the persisticus' natural confidence, they can often get away with behavior that other, lesser species would not. We were able to spot only one at Aqua Girl this year, and as you can see from the candid photo, the persisticus was trying to use his charms to convince two lesbians that he would be a welcome addition to their floating mating ritual.
Here is one of the more common types found at lesbian circuit parties. Her kind tend to attract mates relying on sheer magnetism, charisma, and the ability to tell a good joke, and shun more traditional ways of attracting a mate like dressing well, making tons of money, and lying.
"Where's my drink at?"
This type, indigenous to the East Coast (specifically Miami and the Jersey Shore), can be immediately identified by its two most telling characteristics: a high blood alcohol content and constant proximity to a bottle of Patron. One of the more agile of the species, the drinkslykefish is adept at doing several things while intoxicated. Besides being able to drive a car, hold her breath for long periods of time, and finagle admission into exclusive nightclubs, she can also balance drinks on her head and perform a perfect karaoke rendition of Rob Base's "I Wanna Rock Right Now."
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.