Andrew Dice Clay: "I'm Like Elvis" and "Bill Maher Is an Asshole" (Part II)

In part I of our interview with Andrew Dice Clay, the comedian managed to come across like an egotistical sexist pig who won't mellow out for anybody. Part II is filled with even more diatribes. Luckily, Clay isn't afraid to throw a few fellow comedians under his Ford Fairlane or makes outrageous claims that are, well, pretty entertaining, if not unrealistic. He admits to being an animal, says he's like the King of Rock and Roll and promises that 2011 will witness his return to stardom. Clay performs at the Miami Improv on February 23 and 24.

Alright, well, back to comedy then. What comedians nowadays are you a fan of?

You know what? I couldn't care less about any of them or what they do. I

really only care about my own career and what I could accomplish from

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it. I think that's the problem with comics, there's no comradery between

them. I'll make it real simple - for about 15 years I tried to find the

right guys, or girls, or girls and guys, to go do a major tour with,

because, like a rock band, it's always better if you can team up, okay?

But these guys have such egos about themselves that they won't even team

up to do a tour like that. I mean, every now and again you see some

middle-of-the-road comics doing it but no substantial stars.

Who were you trying to band together with?

Guys I don't want to mention because it didn't happen and it won't come

off right. And I don't really want to talk about them. But, believe me,

I've really tried. I've even tried putting together rap and rock, and

rap rock and roll. You know where you have comic, rapper, and rock band.

That's a whole different thing but just getting comics together to do

that is unbelievable because everyone's going 'well, who's going to

headline the show?' and I'm going 'what's the difference? If you can

follow what I do then maybe you can.' But there's really not a comic on

this earth that can follow what I do.

Was there ever a comic you got along with?

Well, Bill Maher to me is like one of the biggest assholes in the world.

In 2000 I went back to Madison Square Garden and I always liked Bill

and every time I went on his show he'd always plugged what I was doing,

if he needed me on the show, I'd do it, so he was always good with me,

so I asked him if he wanted to do the Garden with me. And it was already

on sale, 7,000 tickets sold already, and he went into this whole thing

about how he's not an opening act and I told him that I wasn't treating

it as an opening act, it was equal billing, but I told him since he was

so cool with me over the years, why not do this together? I mean, I saw

his HBO special and he's filthy when he does specials.

So, I thought he

would work well with me. And not everyone gets a chance to play Madison

Square Garden. And this wasn't 1990, this was 2000, I just went back to

do it, and he got afraid of that, I think. He was like 'let's pick some

place else, somewhere on the west coast and see how it works.' So I

picked Phoenix, Theater of Living Arts, and Jim Norton was the opening

act for me at the time. So, it would've been Jim, then Bill, who

would've done great, then myself. Then two days before the show his

people call my agents and they say he should close the show and I tell

my agents that it's up to him. Whatever he wants to do because I know

there's no one who can follow me on earth and kill a crowd.

Why can't anyone follow you?

Because I'm an animal on stage. I'm a rock star. I base a lot of what I

do on performance other than the material because when I first got

involved in stand up and I saw guys like Jay Leno and Seinfeld, you know

the straighter guys, I thought they were very funny but kind of boring

after a few minutes. So I really tried to add an excitement to stand up,

which I have done. So, it's very hard when you're a very straight

monologist. So, how is a guy telling jokes and just standing there to

follow an animal? An animal that's been uncaged for an hour, you know?

But Bill's ego is so big that he wanted to try this and I didn't fight

him. I said 'no pressure, I'll go in the middle.' I absolutely

slaughtered the crowd, then he went up and did one the weirdest things I

ever saw. He put up a music stand with cardboard notes on it. And I'm

thinking during the break 'this guy's going to follow what I did with

cardboard notes and a music stand?' Well, he was off that stage in four

and a half minutes. This guy I was with timed it. They were booing him

off. The minute he went up, he got scared, he didn't talk, and I'm

standing behind the curtain thinking 'Say something!' And he came off

the stage, went to his dressing room, I talked to him because the

promoter wanted him to go back on and he went back on and most of the

crowd was gone already, the show lasted 20 minutes, and the night was a

disaster because of his own ego. Thinking he's ever going to be able to

follow someone like myself is an impossibility. He's a regular comic.

It's like Johnny Mathis trying to follow Elvis Presley.

What do you think when people say that Andrew Dice Clay's career is over?

Let's see by the end of this year if it's over.

What do you have planned for this year?

I'm not going to talk about what I'm doing. I'm going to talk about the

gig that I'm doing at the Improv which is fun, but, whenever I'm going

out, there's always a reason for it. If that's all I had going on, I

probably wouldn't be doing this anymore.

Do you like touring clubs?

The last year and a half I stayed in Vegas at the Hilton. That was

great. And I still do Vegas but now I'm going out again. You know -

there's always reasons.

Do you prefer Vegas over L.A. or New York?

Vegas is the greatest.

Are you a big gambler?

Yes and no.

How yes and how no?

Years ago I was a really big gambler, today I'm not.

What was your game?

Black Jack.

Nothing involving dice?

No.

Does 'Dice' come from your role in Pretty in Pink?

I don't know. I really don't know. No. I did a couple of movies using

that name - Making the Grade, Pretty in Pink, yeah, they would just use

my name. Another thing nobody's ever gotten to do in movie history is be

the same person in different movies with the same name.

But where did 'Dice' come from?

It's just a name. I got a book coming out. So, it'll be written in there.

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