An Open Letter to the President of the USL

Dear Mr. USL President:

While researching a match to take place this Saturday between the Miami FC and the Carolina RailHawks at Lockhart Stadium, we found ourselves aghast at the most unsettling trivia: “The RailHawk is a fictitious bird of prey that combines the speed and power of the locomotive with the aggressive and fierce nature of a hawk.” What lessons are you teaching the youth of our great nation, Mr. USL President? That it’s OK to genetically enhance birds with coal-powered hearts? Good sir, for shame!

But the list of transgressions ends not there! Take a gander at two of your other teams: the Austin Aztex (bad spelling and racism, you modern-day Cortes) and the Rochester Raging Rhinos (alliteration, minus 100 points). Have we not learned from the silly monikers of the MLS: Real Salt Lake (What in Salt Lake City is royal, pray tell?) and the New York Red Bulls? (Do all the players drive the Red Bull Mini Coopers with the can on the back? We think not.)

Mr. USL President, we implore you. This is the world’s game, not Quidditch. If action is not taken, we will continue to associate one word with soccer: mom.

Miami New Times
Sat., May 16, 8 p.m., 2009


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