An Open Letter to Celebrities About to Reveal Their Baby Bump

Dear Hollywood Starlet,

We have followed you from the beginning of your blossoming career in Hollywood. We watched you squeeze from the vagina of small-town America and be born into the limelight of our hearts. We have stood by you when you took that nonspeaking role in the latest uninspired horror remake. We fell in love with the random line of boy toys you chose to date -- a new one for each month like you were designing a calendar.

Yes, you are young, beautiful, and rich. ​But revealing the fruit of your loins during an interview meant to promote your hit TV show is downright shameful. And to stay mum about your baby daddy's identity as if waiting for a more opportune moment, (sweeps week?) well, that's just a slap in the face. (We're looking at you, January Jones.)


Is there some line in your contract that pays big if your womb gets

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a new tenant? At the very least, it's a PR bonanza for your career. And

if it's not handled properly -- take our word for it -- you will look

like an ass (yes, one with an adorable baby bump).

Some

celebs do it the right way. "Yeah, I'm pregnant. Let's hear it for old

ladies having babies!" Tina Fey said while hanging out with her good

friend Oprah. You could argue that she showboated the coming of her

second baby on national television. But really, how else is she

supposed to tell her friend Oprah that she is pregnant? Oprah never

leaves TV -- she has a whole network to run. And it's not like she ripped

open her shirt and yelled, "I want you to feel the love that's growing

inside me!"

So c'mon, young starlet. Despite the recent hubbub over

Beyoncé's VMA announcement, your pregnancy is the greatest thing to

happen in your life -- not ours.


Love,
Cultist

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.


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