American Reunion: Ten Things From 1999 We'd Rather Revive
American Pie is making a comeback today via American Reunion, yet another sequel to the insipid franchise. We all know what that means. Original cast members like Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, and Tara Reid ran out of money (again), and have made their way back to the ol' cash cow.
The American Pie movies are a lame, un-funny curse on modern-day film, but the year they came from -- 1999 -- was truly a great time for our culture. It's pretty sad that from such an awesome year, the only thing making a comeback is a crappy teen movie that relied on food-shagging for its biggest laugh. Food-shagging, people. If most of us hadn't been stoned out of our gourds, the movie would have never achieved cult status in the first place.
There are way better things from 1999 to revive than American Pie, and since we were
bored inspired, we decided to spend a few hours on Google and make a list of them. Enjoy.
Napster is the site where everyone got their music. Sure, there have been other sites since then, such as Limewire and Piratebay, but no illegal downloading site has been as user-friendly, aesthetically appealing (remember the cool little cat with headphones?), and groundbreaking as Napster. We miss you, Naps. These other sites are so difficult to use that we've resorted to actually buying music again.
9. Cost of Living
It was a very good year (and that has a lot to do with our number 6 on the list). You could fill up your car's gas tank for about $1.22 a gallon. Considering we now pay almost four times that price, enough said.
We'll take the Scully-Mulder sandwich on wheat, hold the mustard.
8. Network Television
The best television shows these days run on premium channels such as HBO and Showtime. Dexter, Weeds, True Blood -- if you want to watch good TV, you gotta pay the price, literally. Back in 1999, we had Friends, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, and The X-Files. And don't front like you wouldn't want some Dawson and Monica back in your lives.
Wtf, dude. Seriously.
Remember when we mentioned being stoned out of our minds when we found American Pie funny? Well, those of us into more trippy substances reveled in the antics of Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La, and Po.
Down with the GOP -- Bring back the OP: Original Pimp.
6. Bill Clinton
The last year Bill was in office was 1999 -- also referred to worldwide as the beginning of the end of Western Civilization as we once knew it. He was cool without trying to be, and he ran this country like a pimp -- literally. Since we can't have Hillary, we think the two-term limit should be eliminated so that Bill can make a comeback. And sorry, Monica -- but this time, no cigar.
We're willing to bet they never went to band camp.
This is basically a really cool way of saying, "Fuck the world." We want this mentality brought back in the form of two of the most bad ass, anti-conformist movies ever made - Fight Club and The Matrix. We'll take the red pill, thank you very much.
A year that proved that yes, we can all get along. Korn's Issues, Eminem's The Slim Shady LP, TLC's Fanmail, Santana's Supernatural, and Britney Spears' Baby One More Time, all equally dominated airspace proving that 1999 really knew how to mix it up. It was like a truly inclusive party where the outcasts, the thugs, the whites, the Hispanics, the blacks, and the jocks and cheerleaders all hung out together without anyone being given a wedgie. We want to party like it's 1999, just saying.
What can we say? We miss Pikachu.
Umbros: We wear short shorts. (Hey, is that wood?)
Eighties fashion made a comeback. We're still not sure why, considering that those wide, stretchy belts make women look like they're wearing cummerbunds. We say it's high time that chain wallets, Birkenstocks, Umbros, Doc Marten's, flannel shirts, and Levi's 501 button fly jeans resurface.
1. American Beauty
Now wasn't this a much better movie that American Pie? In 1999, it won the Oscar for Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Director, and most notably brought both Kevin Spacey and Mena Suvari into our lives. If any movie with the word "American" in its title should make a comeback, it should be this one.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.