Alien Kink, Pot Brownies, and Other Ways to Improve Avatar

This weekend, James Cameron re-released his multi-million dollar epic film Avatar in 3-D theaters. This is great news for James Cameron, because people are determined to fork over their cash for nine additional minutes of tail sex and a chance to relive a grandiose robbery of time. In 3-D!

But let's not pretend as if Avatar was some genius achievement in filmmaking. Aesthetically appealing? Sure. But are we so stunned by the visuals that we can't recognize how weak just about everything else was?

Of course not. Luckily, there are some easy fixes for some of the movie's shortcomings. Here are five ways to improve Avatar:

1.  Drugs.

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Nothing fancy here, just some good ol' drugs. I mean, James Cameron

himself had to be on some kind of intoxicant to look at this movie and

say "You know what this needs? Nine more minutes." Add that in with the

fact that Cameron originally had two scenes in which Jake gets wasted -

drunk in one scene and tripping off a glowing purple worm

in the other - and it becomes clear that Jimmy C is down with

inebriation. So why not have a few screenings where 3-D glasses get

traded for pot brownies. That might actually draw crowds to the

re-release.

Trade in the 3D glasses for magick brownies.
Trade in the 3D glasses for magick brownies.
Flickr CC Al Pavangkanan

2. Get the human characters laid.

I can't be the only one who noticed the level of aggression in most of

the film's human characters. Look at Colonel Quaritch: An

overaggressive, lunk-headed militia guy hell-bent on blowing the entire

planet sky high. Throughout the film, Quaritch gets his rocks off by

barking out orders to his fellow soldiers and decimating the Na'vi

population. Same goes for Sigourney Weaver's shrill, foul-mouthed

character Grace. She manages to go as far as referring to Jake -

crippled from the waist down, mind you - as "numbnuts."

Wouldn't both of these characters benefit from a little 'horizontal

bop?' Perhaps a round of peek and poke for the two aforementioned

individuals dramatically changes the fate of Pandora altogether. Then

again, judging Cameron by his euphemisms for sex (so far we have "horizontal bop" and "alien kink")

and the fact that he envisioned blue, cat-like creatures intertwining

tails as sex, that's probably not something we want to see. Let's just

move on.

Don't know who this doctor-guy is, but he's gettin' some blue on his sheets tonight!
Don't know who this doctor-guy is, but he's gettin' some blue on his sheets tonight!
Flickr CC brennan.v

3. No more unobtainium.

This is probably the easiest one. The actual, scientific use of the word

notwithstanding, you can't expect an audience to fully immerse

themselves in a world where war breaks out over something with such a

ridiculous name. Imagine a version of Mel Gibson's The Patriot in which instead of fighting for America, the soldiers are fighting for "Other Countryland." Who among you would take the Terminator movies seriously if Skynet had been referred to as "Evil ComputerBot?"

4. Lose the accents.

The Na'Vi language (an actual

language created by linguist Peter Frommer for the purposes of this

film) is not at all dissimilar to Klingon in that neither language

serves any purpose. In Avatar, however, the Na'Vi language takes

pointlessness to new heights as the protagonists of Pandora spend most

of the film speaking English. The movie mentions that the humans built a

school on Pandora to teach the blue folks English. Their teacher must

have been the guy from the Red Stripe commercials. Look, if the

transformers can learn English from the Internet, then surely Na'vi

could be better English speakers. Hell, even the coneheads managed to

pick it up better than the Na'vi.

5.  Finally, put Zoe Saldana in the film, not just her voice and avatar.

Most people will agree that Avatar's appeal lies in its spectacle and

not its substance. So why not call up Gordon J. Smith (the makeup artist

that designed Mystique's outfit in the X-Men films and get Ms.

Saldana in all her glory? What could possibly be more visually stunning

than that? Way to drop the ball on that one, James. Or, as the Na'vi

would say: something unintelligible.

--Marques Brantley


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