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Alex Trebek Is Leaving Jeopardy? Top Five Miamians to Replace Him

The mustached reader of teleprompters.
The mustached reader of teleprompters.

Alex Trebek's contract expires in 2016, and rumor has it he'll step down as host of Jeopardy! He's been running that shop for so long it's hard to imagine someone else treating geniuses like morons.

Rumors are circulating that ABC is thinking of Matt Lauer from the Today Show, but who are they kidding? Lauer has less personality than a paper bag. ABC needs a real showstopper to replace the disdainful, snooty Trebek, and there's only one place to find that kind of person: Miami.

But which Miamian has the right combination of cojones and chutzpah to replace the iconic reader of teleprompters? We have five possibilities who could make television history.

"I'll wager eternal damnation."
"I'll wager eternal damnation."

5. Alberto Cutie

You know he's got the charisma and good looks to be on TV -- he's the pimpin' priest, for chrissakes. And he has a following, which equals a ratings boost for ABC. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to see the contestants treated respectfully instead of sneered at by a Canadian mustache? (Yes, we know he shaved the 'stache, but it's still there in our scarred memories.)

How cool would it be to watch Cutie announce categories like "Bringing Sectarians Back" and "Sex-Communicated"? Much cooler than watching Mr. Mustache sneer disdainfully, we'll tell you that much.

"Negative $3,000? Come on! You can do better than that! Push it! Push it!"
"Negative $3,000? Come on! You can do better than that! Push it! Push it!"

4. Carlos Alvarez

He's the former mayor of our fair county, and he's too legit to quit. He was re-elected as Miami-Dade's mayor after one successful term, only to be ousted, largely in part by businessman Norman Braman's relentless yet unsuccessful mission to prevent Marlins Park from being built. After being recalled, he plunged headfirst into -- wait for it -- a bodybuilding career. And a successful one at that.

Naturally, we'd like to see him tossing out answers to Jeopardy! contestants while wearing a black Speedo. Isn't that preferable to the Mustache's superfake hairpiece? Also, you know how there's always one contestant who chokes and is, like, negative $26,487 by the time he enters the Double Jeopardy round? Well, Alvarez would either motivate that guy to do better or punch him in the face to snap him out of it. We'd like to see either/both.

 

"Gobbledy gook."
"Gobbledy gook."

3. Elsa Patton

The highly disastrous yet recognizable face of Elsa Patton from The Real Housewives of Miami would attract all kinds of viewers to the long-running trivia show. Sure, we'd watch for the trainwreck aspect, but it would also be pretty comical to hear her say things like "He's responsible for computational linguistics and discourse analysis" in her heavy Hispanic accent.

"Cubans do it better than Canadians, righ,t Rick?" "We sure do, Marco."
"Cubans do it better than Canadians, righ,t Rick?" "We sure do, Marco."

2. Rick Sanchez/Marco Rubio

As far as we're concerned, these two were conjoined twins separated at birth. They both have that clean-cut, Cuban, adult-altarboy look, and they're both also relatively smart guys. Unlike the Talking Mustache, these two probably know the answers to some Jeopardy! questions, and unlike La Moustache Canadien, they'd know them before reading the teleprompter.

 

"Trivia in your face, uh, uh..."
"Trivia in your face, uh, uh..."

1. Mr. Worldwide

Think about it. Who better than Pitbull to replace a stodgy, condescending, toupee-wearing, talking mustache? The benefits never end. He can rap the answers: "This guy/I don't why/Thought that he could fly/So he dropped his ho/And teamed up with his bro/They made a plane/Were they insane?"

His suits would be infinitesimally more stylish than the Canadian curmudgeon's. He'd start the show with: "Let's welcome everybody to planet Jeopardy! and show 'em what worldwide trivia is all about!" Pitbull would wear sunglasses while hosting. He'd bust out random shout-outs (to himself): "Mr. Worldwide! Taking ABC by storm!" Now, that's television. Dale, ABC.

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