Yes, it's Spring Break. Yes, it's WMC week. Yes, it'll all culminate in the annual, three-day raver-fest that is Ultra this weekend. And yes, getting around town is going to suck. A lot.
But that's no excuse to stay home and do something crazy like read a book. As we documented earlier this week, out-of-towners are taking over our party-worthiest places while locals cower in the corners of our city like wimps, all "but the traffic and the loud noises and the glowsticks, waaaahhh."
It's embarrassing, Miami. What are we, 80-year-old retirees? (Okay, a lot of us are. Sorry.) Anyway, there are plenty of perfectly acceptable, kick-ass ways to spend this weekend that have nothing to do with Ultra madness. So get off your couch, grandma, and let's do this.
Miami Beach International Fashion Week
Doesn't it seem like just last week we were all abuzz about Funkshion? Well, that's because it was. Miami's fashion season continues this weekend with MBIFW, featuring hot ladies, VIP parties, and designs from as far away as Bahrain.
Why It's Better Than Ultra: You've seen what those ravers wear. So 1998.
The Vagina Monologues
Who doesn't love vaginas? Aside from gay men, nobody. And even gay men have to admit that the people attached to those vaginas can be pretty rockin'. So if you're looking to surround yourself with females this weekend, but don't want to do it with a bunch of untz-untzing in the background, this is your jam.
Why It's Better Than Ultra: Do we have to spell it out for you? Vaginas.
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The Hunger Games
Thanks to Ultra, Miami is the only place in the country where the opening of The Hunger Games is not the biggest story of the weekend. And if you're a fan, that means your odds of snagging tickets are ever in your favor. Plenty of showtimes, even limited IMAX ones, are still available in the area. And though normally, schlepping it up to Aventura for a movie is an absurd proposition for most of Miami, this week it's a nice excuse to get out of downtown.
Why It's Better Than Ultra: You'll be immune to all the spoilers on the Internet Monday morning.
Taste of Brickell Food & Wine Festival
Forget drugs and dance music -- your real vice is food. So while throngs of sweaty, sparkly people rub up on each other at Bayfront park, head to Brickell for all the food, wine, chair massages and pony rides you can stomach. That's right, we said pony rides.
Why It's Better Than Ultra: OMG ponies!
The grungy punk haven is pretty much the antithesis of all things Ultra. Case in point: Its Sunday night party, appropriately titled "Bomb the Music Industry." By that time, after an entire weekend of Ultra, we think that sentiment will sit with us just fine.
Why It's Better Than Ultra: Cheap cover, cheaper drinks, and the hometown sounds of Holly Hunt.