In case all your friends' recent pairings haven't clued you in, it's wedding season. And if you hadn't already bitterly resigned yourself to a solitary life of hoarding cats, news of Brangelina's recent engagement will probably do the trick.
Yes, that's right, seven years and six kids later, Brad and Angelina are engaged. And they have one honkin' Pitt-designed ring to prove it.
According to reports, the Jolie-Pitt brood have been pressuring their parents to stop living in sin already. (Seeing as they're children, however, we doubt they phrased it that way.) So now that Mr. Smith has finally decided to make an honest woman out of the Mrs., the only thing left to decide is where to have the ceremony. Rumor has it they'll be getting hitched in France. But we at Cultist humbly offer our fair city of Miami instead.
Skeptical? Just think about it -- Miami's the perfect place for these lovebirds to tie the knot. Here's why.
8. Fashion Freedom
Miamians are not known for sartorial modesty. Seriously, we can't even count the number of people wandering the streets in skimpy bikinis.
In this sort of setting, a wedding dress featuring a slit-up-to-there
would be considered downright dignified. But still, Angie, please do not
strike that ridiculous pose from Oscar night. A) Jim Rash did it better,
and B) You do not want people mocking your wedding pictures. We say this
as a friend. (An entirely imaginary, stalker-ish friend you've never met, but still.)
What's one more?
7. Needy Kids
South Florida is just a hop, skip, and a jump
from a number of impoverished Caribbean countries. After obtaining their
marriage license, Brangelina can zip off to, say, earthquake-stricken Haiti and obtain child number seven. We think "Nuptials" is
a beautiful baby name, and fits in wonderfully with a Pax and a Shiloh.
Sorry, Pride revelers -- this is the only Florida wedding you get.
6. Human Rights
For a couple that has proclaimed it won't wed until same-sex
couples are afforded the same right, Florida is an ideal locale for the
ceremony. I mean, what better place for Brad and Angie to demonstrate
their commitment to gay rights than a state where gay marriage is legal
and ... er, never mind. Moving on...
Splash Mountain: Better than Tomb Raider.
5. The Happiest Place on Earth
Disney World is so close!
Seriously, where else do famous people go after they accomplish a major
feat? (You never heard Nancy Kerrigan exclaim she's so excited she's
going to Detroit.) And according to USA Today, Pitt and Jolie's six
young'uns kept requesting their parents get married because that's what
people do in movies. Why not begin your "happily ever after" in the same
state where dreams really do come true?
Florida is most
definitely south of the Mason-Dixon line, making it perfectly acceptable
for Jolie to make out with all the relatives that show up to attend the
Miami's Real Housewives: Angie would fit right in!
3. L.A. Lite
With so many TV shows and movies filming in the 305 these days, Miami is primed for a wedding like this. First of all, Miamians are used to celebrities and can act
appropriately. I mean, we used to frequent the same Starbucks as
Uli from season three of Project Runway, and never once commented on
her awesome sparkly belt. Secondly, in the reality-show haven that is South Florida, the savvy business couple that is Brad and Angie could turn this wedding into a great opportunity.
Brangelina Gets Betrothed could be a huge hit for the region of the
country that brought you Bad Girls Club: Miami and South Beach Tow. (Just don't schedule the ceremony on the same date as Chad and Ev's wedding.)
Yeah, she isn't helping.
2. Help a State Out!
After Trayvon Martin, Ozzie Guillen, and, well, every other news story to come out of this state in the history of ever, Florida could use some good publicity. We need to start reporting on happy occasions, and an event already dubbed the wedding of the century certainly
fits the bill. Plus, with the presidential election coming up, the
Sunshine State should stockpile all the positive stories it can get
We'll be watching our mailbox.
1. We're Saving the Date
It's easier for us to attend. Seriously, far-away
weddings an be such a hassle: you have to book a flight, rent a hotel
room, run the risk of getting delayed for 8.5 hours (U.S. Airways, we're looking at you)... Having it in your backyard makes things so much
easier. Or, in this case, our backyard. And seriously, Brangelina, we have this hot new dress that would look awesome in the crowd fighting to catch the
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bouquet. Call us.