A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

We're going to go out on a limb and say that the WWE is not the most female-friendly sports organization. Crowds at televised events clearly consist of more men than women; half of the female wrestlers, officially called "divas," are girlfriends/love interests of male wrestlers; and for the most part, diva matches are largely made up of hair pulling and moan-like screams accompanying one hot lady straddling another.

For these reasons and more, being a wrestling fan when you yourself are a hot lady is not always easy. But that doesn't mean it's impossible. And with WrestleMania XXVIII coming to town Sunday, now's the time to brave the testosterone-fueled masses to cheer on your favorite wrestlers.

To help alleviate your lady-burden, follow these handy tips -- and you might just get out of WrestleMania with some semblance of self-respect intact.

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

1. Don't dress slutty.
There will be relatively few women at WrestleMania, and even fewer hot women. To avoid drawing attention to yourself, tone it down. While the responsibility is definitely on the men around you to not act like total pigs, take our word for it: it's much better to look like a dude than to spend the whole evening listening to loudmouthed assholes tell you they'd love to see you in a ring with Kelly Kelly.

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

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2. Root for Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres.
While we're not huge fans of Torres and her hook-up-with-every-male-wrestler-to-get-ahead tactics, Phoenix is obviously the most talented diva. Besides, for some reason completely unknown to us, she and Torres will be wrestling against Kelly Kelly and Extra's Maria Menounos. Under no circumstances should anyone from Extra be permitted to win anything.

 

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

3. Don't support John Cena.
As a general rule, women and children are fans of Cena. This is a stupid rule. You should be pulling for The Rock, if not for the reason that Cena sucks then because The Rock was really pretty decent in Fast Five. It'll also make things way less awkward when you run into The Tooth Fairy himself on the streets of Miami during the filming of Pain and Gain.

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

4. Don't fear Kane or the Undertaker.
We get that they're both big scary men with dark music and creepy costumes, but no cowering in fear next to your boyfriend when they come out, okay? You're not Eve. You don't have to pretend you're dumb enough to think these people are actually dangerous.

 

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

5. Save your best insults for Daniel Bryan.
Bryan is a wretched, controlling, slimeball of a man who deserves to get the crap kicked out of him by Sheamus. A.J. may be an incredible twit, but it's still not okay for her to get verbally abused by Bryan. He needs to get demolished by the Great White, and that's that. So feel free to show off your finest curse-like-a-sailor skills during their match.

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

6. Not all women are shrews, but Vickie Guerrero definitely is.
Feminism doesn't mean supporting all women. It means treating all women equally, and we hate Vickie Guerrero just as much as we hate any male wrestler. For that reason alone, we want her boys and the rest of Team Johnny to go down. Hard. So there's no need to feel like a traitor as you take extreme pleasure in their demise.

A Girls' Guide to WrestleMania XXVIII

7. CM Punk is the best in the world.
This isn't advice, just something you as a sentient human being should acknowledge.

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