A Douchebag's Guide to Hurricane Survival
Meteorological experts have called August "the month when hurricanes are almost as brutal as my divorce (as in when my wife tires of my fearmongering and drawing trajectory cones on her belly as we make love)." If a nasty, hard-core hurricane is going to strike, it'll probably be this month. Katrina sensually nibbled on Florida's ear right before utterly defiling Louisiana's orifices in August 2005, and Andrew worked us over so bad in 1992 that it turned Bill Kamal into a pedophile.
Now there's Irene. Sure, it looks like yet again we've been bullied by forecasters into believing she'd come and lick our necks, when in reality she's being moved farther and farther away from us, but the close call makes us think: What does it take to survive a hurricane? You can get answers to that question anywhere. Instead, we'll tell you what it takes to survive a hurricane like a fucking man/(wo)man.
6. Buy perishable food, and only a little of it
canned goods. Get out there and buy shit that'll spoil before you get
it out of the planet-destroying plastic bag at home. Buy apples, cut
them in half, and leave them in direct sunlight. Peel some bananas and
let them sit there. Get about ten pounds of steak, season it with some
milk and Parmesan cheese, and hang it over a trash bin. Within a
couple of hours, your house will smell like PF Chang's kitchen, and
you'll be one step closer to riding out a hurricane in hard mode.
5. Forget water; buy a lot of alcohol
you looked at the ingredients in any alcoholic beverage?
Water is a huge part of it, so why buy plain water when you could have
water and a substance designed to make the realization of your impending
doom less apparent and/or more bearable? We've Googled for about five,
maybe six seconds and haven't been able to find any information about the
adverse effects of alcohol in your water source except for the fancy
Ancient Greek word dehydration, which we can only imagine means the
removal of the Hydra that Hercules killed long ago. So what we've gathered is,
drinking pure grain alcohol instead of water will eventually give you
4. Flashlights are for pussies; get Fleshlights instead
meeting a couple with a ton of kids, there are usually two prevailing
jokes that come to mind. One is something about being Catholic; the
other is something about not having a TV set. Yes, a lack of television
means boredom is settled in other ways, such as blatantly disregarding
birth control. We can employ that logic by purchasing sex toys and using
them incessantly in the dark abyss that will consume us for the week
3. Put all your money in the bank for safe keeping and carry your debit card
If Katrina taught us anything, it's that looting happens. More specifically, in the words of Van Jones, black people loot, whereas white people find.
If you don't want white people "finding" your cash, a good idea is to
keep it secure in a bank! All of it. Don't keep a single penny on you -- it's not safe. Keep your debit card handy in case you need some cash to
purchase some more alcohol. ATMs won't be functioning on account of
the electrical outage, but if a bank is worth its weight in
Chinese-owned treasury bonds, it'll take your word on your account
balance and hand you your cash in exchange for a handwritten
IOU.2.Ditch your land line (if you still have one) and cell phone; use Skype
smart. Think about it, everyone will be using their cell phones and
jamming up signals all over Miami. AT&T and other shitty networks
won't be able to handle it, so very soon chaos will ensue because no one is
able to make any calls. Except you, because you were smart enough to
load up $500 in Skype call credits. The lack of electricity to power
your 220-volt computer plus monitor and speakers might be troublesome, but
that's nothing you can't solve with a little wishful thinking. The Secret, motherfuckers -- read it.
be honest. That spoiled food you just ate is probably doing a
number on your intestines, and the food poisoning is turning you into
NAMBLA charter member Bill Kamal. You're going to need some high doses
of something with scientific-sounding names containing at least 15
letters. Don't be swindled by expensive drugs at CVS or Walgreens. Those
are marked up substantially due to things called "government
regulations." We'll show you how to bypass that shit. Open your email
client and check the spam folder. Like one-third of those emails is about buying Canadian or Mexican pharmaceuticals at day-laborer-wage
prices. Sure, some of it is expired, but expiration dates aren't gospel -- they're simply suggestions. You're welcome.
This is how you survive a hurricane with some chest hair.
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