50 Reasons Florida Is the Best Effing State in America

Just as no one can talk about our mamas but us, no one can talk shit about our state except our own news blog. So when Gawker recently ranked Florida the 12th worst state in America (better than Alaska [#11] but worse than Arkansas [#13], really Gawker?), well, truthfully, we just went to the beach and forgot all about the crappy website.

But then other blogs began touting their home state as the best, and we got a little competitive. Oh really, Colorado, you have mountains? Minnesota, you have lakes with cabins? Game on, United States of America.

We come from the land of Tony Montana. We eat breakfast with parrots and leave sweat stains that look like Mickey Mouse.

Gawker called Florida a kooky, charming, fucked-up swamp. So here are 50 reasons our quirk and warmth should get us crowned best effing state in the union.

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50. Alien-seeking rockets and shit? Yeah, we do those at Cape Canaveral.

49. Greater Miami is the only metropolitan area in the U.S. bordered by two national parks.

50 Reasons Florida Is the Best Effing State in America

48. Saint Augustine is the oldest European settlement in North America. That's right, we even beat those fucking pilgrims at Plymouth.

47. Florida is the only state in the continental U.S. to have extensive coral reefs off its coasts. We make video art about them, and then Adult Swim airs it. We think this is what is referred to as the Krebs cycle.

46. Electrolytes! In your face! No, seriously, have some of our delicious Gatorade. You look thirsty.

45. We said a big F-you to skin cancer and invented sunscreen.

44. We have 663 miles of beaches, some topless ones and a few bottomless.

43. The only natural disasters we have are hurricanes (well, and Canadian tourists), and we can see those coming.

42. Art deco architecture, motherfuckers!

41. Our 1972 Dolphins are still the only undefeated NFL team in history.

40. Florida towns Sweetwater and Gibson were founded by retired carnies and circus freaks. So the bearded lady is, like, our neighbor.

39. Disney World kicks Disneyland's lame ass.

38. We even inspired cranky drunk Ernest Hemingway.

Marina Anderson, the Mermaid at Wreck Bar
Marina Anderson, the Mermaid at Wreck Bar
Photo by Roy Anderson

37. Our happy hours include live mermaids. Also, mermaid is a viable career choice in Florida.

36. Go ahead and have sweet tea and grits with your New York-style bagels and lox. Living here is like living in the North and in the South at the same damn time.

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