50 Reasons Florida Is the Best Effing State in America
Just as no one can talk about our mamas but us, no one can talk shit about our state except our own news blog. So when Gawker recently ranked Florida the 12th worst state in America (better than Alaska [#11] but worse than Arkansas [#13], really Gawker?), well, truthfully, we just went to the beach and forgot all about the crappy website.
But then other blogs began touting their home state as the best, and we got a little competitive. Oh really, Colorado, you have mountains? Minnesota, you have lakes with cabins? Game on, United States of America.
We come from the land of Tony Montana. We eat breakfast with parrots and leave sweat stains that look like Mickey Mouse.
Gawker called Florida a kooky, charming, fucked-up swamp. So here are 50 reasons our quirk and warmth should get us crowned best effing state in the union.
50. Alien-seeking rockets and shit? Yeah, we do those at Cape Canaveral.
49. Greater Miami is the only metropolitan area in the U.S. bordered by two national parks.
48. Saint Augustine is the oldest European settlement in North America. That's right, we even beat those fucking pilgrims at Plymouth.
47. Florida is the only state in the continental U.S. to have extensive coral reefs off its coasts. We make video art about them, and then Adult Swim airs it. We think this is what is referred to as the Krebs cycle.
46. Electrolytes! In your face! No, seriously, have some of our delicious Gatorade. You look thirsty.
45. We said a big F-you to skin cancer and invented sunscreen.
44. We have 663 miles of beaches, some topless ones and a few bottomless.
43. The only natural disasters we have are hurricanes (well, and Canadian tourists), and we can see those coming.
42. Art deco architecture, motherfuckers!
41. Our 1972 Dolphins are still the only undefeated NFL team in history.
40. Florida towns Sweetwater and Gibson were founded by retired carnies and circus freaks. So the bearded lady is, like, our neighbor.
39. Disney World kicks Disneyland's lame ass.
38. We even inspired cranky drunk Ernest Hemingway.
Marina Anderson, the Mermaid at Wreck Bar
Photo by Roy Anderson
36. Go ahead and have sweet tea and grits with your New York-style bagels and lox. Living here is like living in the North and in the South at the same damn time.
35. We are an endless source of facepalms as weird-news capital of the world.
34. Two words: Burt Reynolds. Two more words: mustache ride.
33. Miami is the only major U.S. city founded by a woman.
32. We don't have to worry about getting scurvy and rickets.
31. Our state government lets us keep our money. No state income tax!
30. Our state spawned the well-coiffed Johnny Depp (who went to Miramar High), Tom Petty, and Debbie Harry. We also are the current haven for hipster crooner Cat Power and proto-punker Iggy Pop.
29. Our high school football teams could beat your state's college football teams.
28. See this picture of parrots, orchids, and palm trees? You call that paradise. We call that outside.
27. In Florida, you can snorkel with Jesus and then puke on one of his amusement park rides at the Holyland Experience.
26. Who cares who won the NBA playoffs? LeBron chose us over New York, and that still feels good.
25. Totally unconfirmed, but we like to think our state tops in adult diaper sales.
24. Our town founded by psychics, Cassadaga, inspired a Bright Eyes album.
23. If we called Florida "America's Big Dick," would you hold it against us?
22. Fidel Castro will eventually die. And when he does, we'll pop over to Havana for one-night ragers whenever we flipping feel like it.
21. Florida is the only place in the world you can find alligators and crocodiles living in the same ecosystem. Are you impressed yet?
20. Remember the 2000 presidential election debacle? Yeah, well, we didn't actually mess shit up and leave our chads dangling. It was an elaborate hoax by Anonymous.
19. The Florida Marlins are the only MLB team never to lose a playoff series.
18. This is what our weekends look like:
17. Fine, we'll care for everyone's granny and gramps.
16. We hold the Daytona 500 and Bike Week in the same city.
15. Florida Southern College has the world's largest collection of Frank Lloyd Wright buildings on a single site.
14. We probably have more silicone than Silicon Valley.
13. We give birth to great surfers like Kelly Slater even with our modest swells.
12. We are, hands down, the best place to party. You can park your stretch Hummer full of Cristal right over there, good sir.
11. No, really, Florida is the best place to party. Think total debauchery thanks to 24-hour liquor licenses.
10. Like your raps lewd and lascivious? You're welcome. We battled censorship via "Me So Horny." (We're also all really horny -- check out our sex survey.)
9. People want to get to Florida so fast they wear diapers so they don't have to waste time on bathroom breaks.
8. Your food store's ethnic section is our entire grocery store. We have Anglo sections instead.
7. We ride Jet Skis to work.
6. Art Basel Miami Beach. Thanks, Swiss!
5. Not only are our cities often voted most attractive in America, but also even our store mannequins have DDD breasts.
4. Our only snow is yayo. Hey-o!
3. We live where you vacation.
2. Exotic-ass fruits.
1. Our state capitol building looks like a giant schlong and a pair of balls. It has an even bigger dick working inside it.
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