Amy Alkon drags people, kicking, screaming, and laughing, out of their misery with her behavioral science-based advice column, which runs in about 100 newspapers.
Buy her science-based and bitingly funny new advice book, "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" (St. Martin's Press, June 3, 2014).
Got a problem? E-mail Amy at AdviceAmy@aol.com.
Save The Wails
Are guys scared of politically active women? My boyfriend of two months just broke up with me over my support for animal rights, and I've generally had difficulty keeping boyfriends because of this. This boyfriend was bothered by two incidents. In the first, I got into an argument about zoos with one of his friends at a party. Another time, we were driving alongside a car with a pro-hunting bumper sticker, and I rolled down my window and shouted something to the driver. I'm trying to do good — protect creatures without a voice. Does that mean I don't deserve a boyfriend?
— Yes, I Stand For Something
Men tend to like it when a woman screams passionately, but it's less sexy if what she's screaming is "McDonald's is murder!"
But, wait — you're trying to do some good; don't you "deserve" a boyfriend? You, like the rest of us, deserve not to be run over by a truck. The Declaration of Independence also spells out that "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" stuff we're all supposed to get. That's right; you have a right to chase happiness. It doesn't get delivered to your door. ("Sign here, please.") And the reality is, every requirement you have for a boyfriend and every, well, nonstandard practice you have (like Wicca, being a serious Civil War re-enactor, or a hobby of throwing fake blood on people in fur) narrows your options. The size of a person's dating pool is determined by their level of hotitude factored with how hard they are to be around. (An annoying 9 might still have many romantic opportunities, though with limited staying power.)
And just a guess, but for at least some of these guys who dumped you, maybe the problem wasn't so much your support of animal rights as it was your lack of boundaries in expressing it. Even a guy who's with you in principle on sticking up for Bambi and the lab rats might not be comfortable with your transforming every social gathering into an animal rights protest rally. Also, consider that there's a difference between speaking your mind and yelling it out the window at someone who has announced in writing on their vehicle that they are likely armed.
In other words, you can refuse to ever bend your principles, or you can have a man in your life. This isn't to say you have to start wearing snow leopard legwarmers and eating baby seal McNuggets; you probably just need to divide the world into political and social forums. Social forums would be reserved for pleasant cocktail party conversation — even if a guy is gnawing meat off a skewer and you long more than anything to stick him in the eye with it and say, "See how you like it!"
When you start dating somebody new, ask him what his comfort zone is regarding your activism, and either respect the boundaries he needs or be honest if you can't or won't. If you come to see a relationship as a party of two, each of whose needs matter, there's a good chance you'll find a guy who'll at least be there to bail you out of jail — maybe for years to come — until you two finally retire to the country to run a lentil rescue. (Some say they scream when you drop em in boiling water.)
Snot To Trot
I'm dating a guy who's in the neighborhood of perfect. The problem is his nose. He picks it. Semi-frequently. He isn't doing major digging, just more inner nostril scraping than I'm comfortable with. I don't want to tell him he's grossing me out, but I also can't deal with witnessing regular daily nose-picking.
If you're inspired to buy something for your new boyfriend to wear, it should be a sweater that shows off his broad shoulders, not a nose guard to keep his finger from scampering up to Booger Hollow. If his excavations aren't largely absent-minded, chances are he has some rationalization, like that it doesn't count as nose-picking unless it involves more than a half-inch of finger. Well, it counts for you, and you need to let him know. To send the message with a minimum of humiliation, wait till you catch him in action, and use a light touch: "Checking that nobody's made off with your sinuses?" or "Do you store passwords up there?" This should be one of those cases in which a guy is quick to take the hint — lest you be too grossed out to have sex with him. Sure, when you're dating somebody, you want to know what's going on in their head, but you really don't want to see them up there rooting around for it.
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio — "Nerd your way to a better life!" with the best brains in science solving your love, dating sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/ — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. Call-in during the show: 347-326-9761 (NYC area code).
Advice Goddess Radio: Dr. Jonathan Rottenberg on depression — an evolutionary (and revolutionary) understanding.
(c)2014, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon
Read Amy Alkon's book: "I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society" (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).
***AMY ALKON'S NEXT BOOK: Please let me know if you would be interested in covering/reviewing and would like a review copy. (Please include your snail-mail address in your email.)
My next book, "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" (or "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say The F-Word," in cleaned-up-speak) is coming out in June 3 via St. Martin's Press.
It's a science-based (and funny) book, not on prissy stuff like which fork to use but about how to treat people, how to keep people from walking all over us, and how to basically leave the world a nicer, kinder place.
Link to book if you want to see the awesome cover (note the fork!): http://amzn.to/1fFtWFy.