Even your multibillionaire boss, Stephen Ross, played the bully in 2013. Demanding $170 million from taxpayers to fix up Sun Life Stadium, the Dolphins owner blackmailed fans by warning them Miami would never get another Super Bowl otherwise. When he didn't get his way — and we didn't get a Super Bowl — he threatened to take down the politicians who opposed him. Then he enraged South Floridians by turning around and dropping $200 million in a private donation to the University of Michigan as if to prove a point.

Then there's you, Richie. A bully growing up in New Jersey and Arizona. A nightmare at Nebraska. A no-show at Oregon. And the nemesis of the NFL. You spat on opponents, abused your teammates, and got into fistfights on and off the field. While playing for the St. Louis Rams, you showed up shitfaced to practice and still managed to step on the field often enough to incur the most personal fouls in the league. You fought with the fans whose tickets paid your salary. And you were named the NFL's dirtiest player. Even worse, you somehow made Warren Sapp — a thug synonymous with blindside hits — seem sympathetic by racially abusing him during games.

Just like in college, you were cut, briefly bounced to another team, and then landed with the Dolphins. You got a phoenix tattooed on your arm — right under your "Made in the USA" tat — because you said you kept rising up after knocking yourself down.

But you should have stayed in the ashes. Because despite the video of you dressed in a cardigan while playing croquet with a cocky smile on your face and asking Dolfans to behave, you were still an uncivilized asshole.

Your first season with the Dolphins seemed to go well. You even made the Pro Bowl for the first time. But a few months later, your demons crawled out of hiding. You had a few too many drinks at a Dolphins charity golf tournament in Aventura, so you sexually harassed a resort employee. When she ignored you, you took a driver and rubbed it against her vagina, stomach, and breasts.

Then you knocked the sunglasses off her head, pressed your pudgy six-foot-three frame against her backside, and began grinding like R. Kelly. Finally, you poured a bottle of water over her face while yelling, "Let it rain! Let it rain!" Because that's how classy you are, Richie.

A half-dozen Dolphins employees apologized on your behalf, but you didn't bother. Your victim "felt like [you] didn't care and thought the whole incident was in fun and games," according to a police report. Yet, once again, you didn't face any criminal charges, because your team bailed you out and paid the woman to keep quiet.

Strange that after all that savagery, it was a sophisticate with a classics degree from Stanford who took you down. When second-year offensive lineman Jonathan Martin went AWOL from the Dolphins in November, suspicion slowly fell on you, supposedly his best friend and mentor. But when your phone message to Martin eventually leaked to the media, it became clear that your mentorship was really more of a mental assault.

"Hey, wassup, you half-n****r piece of shit," you said. "I saw you on Twitter — you been training ten weeks. [I want to] shit in your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your real mother across the face."

Then you laughed and added, "Fuck you. You're still a rookie. I'll kill you."

You claimed that you were being quoted out of context and that you and Martin were just ribbing each other. But it was too late. You had become the poster child for a year chock full of bullies.


Richie's last message to New Times appeared in our email inbox late one Saturday night, shortly after the Dolphins permanently suspended Incognito. This reporter clicked on the video file, and Richie's giant, baby-like body filled the screen. He was half-naked in a hot tub somewhere in Arizona. Saguaros stood on the horizon behind him, while a graveyard of empty glasses and half-eaten animal parts — ribs, chicken wings, and a T-bone or two — surrounded his small, bubbling empire. He looked like he hadn't shaved in a month.

"Wassup, bitches?" he slurred, but the edge was gone from his voice. Even the soaring phoenix tattooed on his forearm seemed sedated.

"Y'all make me sound like a criminal," he said, his eyes not quite fixed on the right part of the camera. "But I'm just Richie being Richie.

"Take that chick at the golf tournament," he noted. "She said her job was a hole monitor. A hole monitor. All I did was say she could monitor my club in her hole anytime she wanted. She got all hot and bothered, though, so I thought I'd cool her off with some water — on her boobs.

"And Jonathan Martin? That dude is dead to me now. We were like family. He was the half-black brother I never had, didn't really want, but then got to kind of like because I could make fun of him all the time. The problem was he was always quoting Plato or some shit instead of talking about pussy like the other guys. Coach Philbin told me I had to sort Martin out before he quit the team to go to law school.

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9 comments
carne_frio
carne_frio

Should we be surprised when these meatheads act like meatheads?

Downtownbrown
Downtownbrown

They would never write this about a black player.  Libturds got a serious hardon against white guyz.

MadSamoan
MadSamoan

Mikey, I can't figure who you're trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. I'm happy that a wide-eyed midwestern boy is getting his horizons widened here in big bad South Beach but seriously, dude. This is worse than the crap that we used crank out on my college paper after deadline and too many whiskey shots. At least we knew we were posers and fed all that tripe to the bats rather than publish it.

Neighbor4545
Neighbor4545

ADD Eduardo Francisco Paula to the list of neighborhood adult bullies of S. Florida. This psycho-neighbor dumps oil, kills grass and plants, smashes sculptures, keys cars, runs water while people are of of town, charges at neighbors (with psycho-face), and more. He is a BULLY with no emotopnal sense of his acts, and his wife is a family couselor! Has she heard of Domestic Violence.

crzeerin
crzeerin

The one part I like about this article is the clarity on stand your ground law.

red.cell
red.cell

Wow, I've noticed the last couple of months that Miami New Times articles seemed to be getting worse and worse, but this? I read the first page and won't even waste my time with what looks like 5 more pages, so tldr, but the first page alone is absolutely awful. What the hell are you guys thinking? Do you not have someone in charge that pre-reads this nonsense to decide whether or not it's worth publishing, or is it just a fiction free for all from a bunch of comic writers and amateurs in your work place? The Enquirer has better articles than this. Sorry to say, I use to like Miami New Times (for years actually) and even though I've noticed it going down hill recently I hung in there and continued to visit, read and even share, but not anymore. Bookmark deleted and rss feed unsubscribed, Continue on & Good luck!

nick7588
nick7588

What kind of garbage are you writing here? Are you trying to fulfill some fantasy you have had about standing up to your own bullies? This is pretty obvious satire, but in the modern world of instant accreditation people will read this slander and take it as truth. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up getting sued for it. If I was you I would take it down before the lawyers spot an easy case. I mean this is a pretty long back and forth you have concocted in your little brain. And it doesn't lack any of the over the top stereotypes that have always been slapped on athletes. I know that you most assuredly have never played sports, based on your bias. Stop hating what you could never be, accept yourself for who you are, and live and let live. 


It's like Ricky Williams explained, Jonathan Martin obviously did not know what he was getting himself into. He is a child of privilege who have never had to endure adversity, and at the fist sign of it he ran home to his parents like a child. No matter what the business or industry, if an employee walks off worksite without explanation or without any follow up with their status, and then goes about publicly trashing their organization to the press. They should and would be fired, and most assuredly not brought back into the work flow. You cannot trust someone who goes to the press first over going to management first in any business in America, it is highly unprofessional. 


And to put to bed the claims of absurdity that Jonathan Martin should have handled this on his own. I am in no way shape or form claiming that Jonathan Martin should have gotten physical at all; he is an intelligent man they say, and he should have known he would have lost any physical confrontation. But a true intelligent MAN (not a boy) could have used he's intellect to mentally dress down the bully, he shouldn't need his fist he should only need his mouth. 


From all accords he never said anything to anyone. Men inherently do not ask about other men's feelings. If Jonathan had a problem he should have said "Hey Richie, I don't appreciate all of these things, and if you continue I will have to report it to management." That's it, problem over. That is how a man solves his problems. A boy runs home to mommy and daddy to solve his problems for him.

 
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