Federal agents pinch our personal info like schoolyard bullies shaking down kids for lunch money. Power-hungry politicians play constituents for fools. What other crooks do you have on your list, Richie?


"You need bullies like me because we do the dirty work that lets you stay clean."

Another letter arrived. This one, at least, was on paper — a weathered, water-stained (or what we hope was water) copy of the NFL Rule Book. The section "Unnecessary Roughness" was highlighted in blood red. "Personal foul" was adorned with a winking smiley face. And scribbled next to a paragraph about locker-room etiquette was the phrase "Mangina time!"

On the back cover, under a hand-drawn diagram of the Rich-around, Incognito had written his rebuttal:

George Zimmerman! How could I have forgotten him? My brothah from anothah mothah! Pudgy, violent, and without remorse, just like me. After his acquittal, that dude would come over to my place in Fort Lauderdale. We'd get shitfaced, play Call of Duty, I'd call him a "half-Mexican" (or Peruvian, whatever), and we'd end up punching each other until we passed out.

You can rag on Zimmerman all you want, but he wasn't the only bully with a gun and a badge to make it big this year. Far from it. Cops left more bruises on 2013 than a Dirty Harry interrogation. And they did it by borrowing from my playbook: harassing brothers and blindsiding opponents.

In New York, cops have been stopping and frisking people — well, black people — for years without a problem. But then, this August, a federal judge got all riled up over something called "racial profiling." What are cops supposed to do? Arrest anybody who flips a desk, starts a bar fight, uses a golf club to sexually assault a woman, or harasses his co-workers? C'mon.

Now this sappy political correctness has even spread to my own neighborhood of Fort Lauderdale. Thanks to New Times, cops are in trouble for pulling over black guys on bicycles. Ever since you wrote your exposé "Biking While Black" showing that Fort Lauderdale Police use bike registration laws to hassle minorities, the police have begun stopping — wait for it — nonminorities!

Don't worry. They won't bother me. It has nothing to do with me being white or a hulking NFL lineman. It's because I don't ride bikes. They're for poor people. You know what's not for poor people? Bentleys. And I've got plenty of those. Black ones too. See? I'm not a racist.

Another casualty of the PC brigade was Miami Gardens Chief Matthew Boyd. So what if his officers were caught on camera arresting innocent black gas station employees a couple (hundred) times. That Quickstop is in the ghetto! That's just what you do in the ghetto: arrest black people. Right? And so what if none of the cops is black? Or if they rifled through the store without a search warrant? You bleeding-heart liberals call that "shredding the Constitution." My boy Boyd calls it "proactive policing."

Speaking of being proactive, guess what happens nowadays when a cop chases down a fugitive and arrests him? He gets shit for doing his job. That's what happened to Miami Beach Officer Jorge Mercado in August. Granted, the fugitive was really just an 18-year-old graffiti artist named Israel Hernandez. And Mercado might not have needed to Taser the kid to arrest him. And, oh yeah, Hernandez died because of the stun gun. Minor detail.

The good news, however, is that Mercado is back on patrol! So don't let these little hiccups get you down, Blue! What would my bully list be like without you?


Richie,

Bad cops. Bad criminals. Bad politicians. All bullies. But what about sports stars like you? You guys are celebrities and millionaires, yet you keep treating Florida like it's your personal pissing mat. Nobody is more responsible for what went wrong this year than you.

First, there is Florida State University football phenom Jameis Winston. In November, news broke that he'd been accused of raping a drunk FSU student in Tallahassee in 2012. Cops bungled the investigation for a year. Then, earlier this month, prosecutors suddenly dropped charges against the star quarterback for a "lack of evidence." Some media outlets stooped to suggesting the victim simply had loose morals. Incredibly, Winston emerged as the Seminoles' scandal-seasoned leader and won the Heisman. He may have outrun justice, but that statue is forever coated in sleaze.

This was also the year New Times exposed an even greater sports scandal: the massive steroid operation still staining America's pastime. This newspaper outed baseball superstars including Melky Cabrera, Bartolo Colón, Nelson Cruz, and the $275 million man himself, Alex Rodriguez, as clients of a shady Coral Gables clinic called Biogenesis.

When we broke the news that A-Rod and others had been receiving illegal performance-enhancing drugs from Biogenesis chief Tony Bosch, the players all denied knowing the fake doctor. A-Rod, in particular, came out swinging (and missing). He hired a legion of lawyers, filed a handful of lawsuits, and took to the airwaves to angrily deny juicing. But his big-league bloviating and bullying didn't work. MLB still banned him for a record 211 games. The other players named in New Times' report received 50-game suspensions.

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9 comments
carne_frio
carne_frio

Should we be surprised when these meatheads act like meatheads?

Downtownbrown
Downtownbrown

They would never write this about a black player.  Libturds got a serious hardon against white guyz.

MadSamoan
MadSamoan

Mikey, I can't figure who you're trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. I'm happy that a wide-eyed midwestern boy is getting his horizons widened here in big bad South Beach but seriously, dude. This is worse than the crap that we used crank out on my college paper after deadline and too many whiskey shots. At least we knew we were posers and fed all that tripe to the bats rather than publish it.

Neighbor4545
Neighbor4545

ADD Eduardo Francisco Paula to the list of neighborhood adult bullies of S. Florida. This psycho-neighbor dumps oil, kills grass and plants, smashes sculptures, keys cars, runs water while people are of of town, charges at neighbors (with psycho-face), and more. He is a BULLY with no emotopnal sense of his acts, and his wife is a family couselor! Has she heard of Domestic Violence.

crzeerin
crzeerin

The one part I like about this article is the clarity on stand your ground law.

red.cell
red.cell

Wow, I've noticed the last couple of months that Miami New Times articles seemed to be getting worse and worse, but this? I read the first page and won't even waste my time with what looks like 5 more pages, so tldr, but the first page alone is absolutely awful. What the hell are you guys thinking? Do you not have someone in charge that pre-reads this nonsense to decide whether or not it's worth publishing, or is it just a fiction free for all from a bunch of comic writers and amateurs in your work place? The Enquirer has better articles than this. Sorry to say, I use to like Miami New Times (for years actually) and even though I've noticed it going down hill recently I hung in there and continued to visit, read and even share, but not anymore. Bookmark deleted and rss feed unsubscribed, Continue on & Good luck!

nick7588
nick7588

What kind of garbage are you writing here? Are you trying to fulfill some fantasy you have had about standing up to your own bullies? This is pretty obvious satire, but in the modern world of instant accreditation people will read this slander and take it as truth. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up getting sued for it. If I was you I would take it down before the lawyers spot an easy case. I mean this is a pretty long back and forth you have concocted in your little brain. And it doesn't lack any of the over the top stereotypes that have always been slapped on athletes. I know that you most assuredly have never played sports, based on your bias. Stop hating what you could never be, accept yourself for who you are, and live and let live. 


It's like Ricky Williams explained, Jonathan Martin obviously did not know what he was getting himself into. He is a child of privilege who have never had to endure adversity, and at the fist sign of it he ran home to his parents like a child. No matter what the business or industry, if an employee walks off worksite without explanation or without any follow up with their status, and then goes about publicly trashing their organization to the press. They should and would be fired, and most assuredly not brought back into the work flow. You cannot trust someone who goes to the press first over going to management first in any business in America, it is highly unprofessional. 


And to put to bed the claims of absurdity that Jonathan Martin should have handled this on his own. I am in no way shape or form claiming that Jonathan Martin should have gotten physical at all; he is an intelligent man they say, and he should have known he would have lost any physical confrontation. But a true intelligent MAN (not a boy) could have used he's intellect to mentally dress down the bully, he shouldn't need his fist he should only need his mouth. 


From all accords he never said anything to anyone. Men inherently do not ask about other men's feelings. If Jonathan had a problem he should have said "Hey Richie, I don't appreciate all of these things, and if you continue I will have to report it to management." That's it, problem over. That is how a man solves his problems. A boy runs home to mommy and daddy to solve his problems for him.

 
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