Well, that's what Maroño was like as mayor of Sweetwater. He launched a nationwide witch hunt on bath salts, blaming the drugs not only for the Miami Zombie but also for any two-bit break-in or any bum biting a cop. (Personally, I prefer booze before biting.) All the while, Maroño was really the one screwing over Sweetwater residents.

"George Zimmerman! How could I have forgotten him? My brothah from anothah mothah!"

In Homestead, Mayor Steve Bateman didn't have the patience to stock the city government with supporters. Instead, he pulled an RGIII (pre-knee injury) and did it all on his lonesome. When a local developer had trouble building a health clinic, Bateman offered to grease the wheels — at the cost of $125 an hour in secret consulting fees. YOMO, Steve! YOMO!

Michael Pizzi made Miami Lakes politics his personal bitch. He went from the top of his University of Miami law school class to the top of local government. Then the mayor was caught taking $6,000 in kickbacks for federal contracts. But unlike Maroño and Bateman, who both pleaded guilty, Pizzi came out pissing into the wind. "I am innocent," he announced after a hearing in October. "And I will be exonerated and found not guilty at trial." Makin' me proud, Pizzi!

But the biggest baller in my book was Barry Layne Moore. The 51-year-old hillbilly mayor of Hampton, Florida, was caught dealing oxycodone to his entire town. Talk about a big fish in a little pond.

Then there was Raphael Herman, a dude who boasted about killing Osama bin Laden while running for mayor of Miami Beach. He missed his own election after getting jailed for swinging a six-foot flagpole at black people on a public bus. A flagpole! What a patriot.

Herman lost, of course, but the guy who won was an even bigger bully. Philip Levine spent a small fortune — roughly $2 million — to win a job that pays just ten grand a year. He's like a tropical, totally not handsome version of Leo DiCaprio in that Great Gatsby movie. Only there's not even a hot chick he's trying to bang. Levine dropped $354 for every vote he won by buying TV ads and treating old people to free punch, pie, and salsa music.

Attaboy, Phil! Making it rain on those wrinkles like senior night at the strip club.


Richie,

Your father sounds like the type of guy who made you watch him kill small forest animals with his bare hands when you were a child. He probably didn't even wash up before dinner. I'd tell you to go see a psychiatrist, but you'd just flip my desk and try to dry-hump my sister.

As for your list, well, it's a tad full of criminals. Rick Scott may have escaped the clink, but his band of merry mayors won't. Levine bought himself an island, but that doesn't mean he's legit.

Besides, the politicians you mentioned are part of the problem, not some superhero solution. Across North America, politicians are abusing the bully pulpit, from serial dick-pic-sender Anthony Weiner to compulsive fur-coat-consumer Jesse Jackson Jr. to the crack-smoking, prostitute-loving mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford. These liars belong in jail, not on a best-of list.

These scumbags set a terrible example. They show that bullying is not only OK but also the way to get ahead. No wonder kids are taking the message to heart. In Polk County, two teenage girls bullied 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick until she killed herself in a cement factory. One of them later posted on Facebook: "Yes, I bullied Rebecca and she killed herself but I don't give a fuck." Somehow, prosecutors still dropped the charges last month.

In Hollywood, two angelic-looking teens attacked their own friend because the girls were "beefing." They restrained, beat, and taunted the poor 15-year-old as she was raped by a male gang member on video. Then they let their bloodied victim stumble around the neighborhood looking for help.

Here in Miami, Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity brothers at Florida International University posted nude photos of women they had slept with for one another to see on Facebook. One member posted a pic of a woman wearing a Pike shirt next to the caption: "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GIVEN FATTYS OUR SHIRTS!!!!! THEY WEAR THEM!!!!!" The frat brothers also boasted about hazing pledges and pranking other houses by putting pig heads on their doors. Even after New Times broke the story, however, FIU cops declined to make arrests.

Like the FIU frat bros, Florida's most infamous bully escaped justice this year. George Zimmerman stalked unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin before fatally shooting him in the chest. Yet a jury acquitted the self-appointed neighborhood watchman of murder in July because of Florida's insane Stand Your Ground legislation.

Since then, Zimmerman has gone off the deep end. He's been pulled over three times for speeding, once with a gun in the glove compartment. And on November 18, his new girlfriend called 911 to say Zimmerman had smashed her coffee table and pointed a shotgun at her head. When police arrested him, he had five guns on him, including an AR-15.

Zimmerman is the worst kind of bully: one backed by bullets and barristers. After all, it was the National Rifle Association that crafted Stand Your Ground here in 2005. Not only does the NRA own the Florida Legislature, but it also has your boy Rick Scott in its pocket. No wonder Scott shot down the Dream Defenders by refusing to reconsider the law.

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9 comments
carne_frio
carne_frio

Should we be surprised when these meatheads act like meatheads?

Downtownbrown
Downtownbrown

They would never write this about a black player.  Libturds got a serious hardon against white guyz.

MadSamoan
MadSamoan

Mikey, I can't figure who you're trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. I'm happy that a wide-eyed midwestern boy is getting his horizons widened here in big bad South Beach but seriously, dude. This is worse than the crap that we used crank out on my college paper after deadline and too many whiskey shots. At least we knew we were posers and fed all that tripe to the bats rather than publish it.

Neighbor4545
Neighbor4545

ADD Eduardo Francisco Paula to the list of neighborhood adult bullies of S. Florida. This psycho-neighbor dumps oil, kills grass and plants, smashes sculptures, keys cars, runs water while people are of of town, charges at neighbors (with psycho-face), and more. He is a BULLY with no emotopnal sense of his acts, and his wife is a family couselor! Has she heard of Domestic Violence.

crzeerin
crzeerin

The one part I like about this article is the clarity on stand your ground law.

red.cell
red.cell

Wow, I've noticed the last couple of months that Miami New Times articles seemed to be getting worse and worse, but this? I read the first page and won't even waste my time with what looks like 5 more pages, so tldr, but the first page alone is absolutely awful. What the hell are you guys thinking? Do you not have someone in charge that pre-reads this nonsense to decide whether or not it's worth publishing, or is it just a fiction free for all from a bunch of comic writers and amateurs in your work place? The Enquirer has better articles than this. Sorry to say, I use to like Miami New Times (for years actually) and even though I've noticed it going down hill recently I hung in there and continued to visit, read and even share, but not anymore. Bookmark deleted and rss feed unsubscribed, Continue on & Good luck!

nick7588
nick7588

What kind of garbage are you writing here? Are you trying to fulfill some fantasy you have had about standing up to your own bullies? This is pretty obvious satire, but in the modern world of instant accreditation people will read this slander and take it as truth. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up getting sued for it. If I was you I would take it down before the lawyers spot an easy case. I mean this is a pretty long back and forth you have concocted in your little brain. And it doesn't lack any of the over the top stereotypes that have always been slapped on athletes. I know that you most assuredly have never played sports, based on your bias. Stop hating what you could never be, accept yourself for who you are, and live and let live. 


It's like Ricky Williams explained, Jonathan Martin obviously did not know what he was getting himself into. He is a child of privilege who have never had to endure adversity, and at the fist sign of it he ran home to his parents like a child. No matter what the business or industry, if an employee walks off worksite without explanation or without any follow up with their status, and then goes about publicly trashing their organization to the press. They should and would be fired, and most assuredly not brought back into the work flow. You cannot trust someone who goes to the press first over going to management first in any business in America, it is highly unprofessional. 


And to put to bed the claims of absurdity that Jonathan Martin should have handled this on his own. I am in no way shape or form claiming that Jonathan Martin should have gotten physical at all; he is an intelligent man they say, and he should have known he would have lost any physical confrontation. But a true intelligent MAN (not a boy) could have used he's intellect to mentally dress down the bully, he shouldn't need his fist he should only need his mouth. 


From all accords he never said anything to anyone. Men inherently do not ask about other men's feelings. If Jonathan had a problem he should have said "Hey Richie, I don't appreciate all of these things, and if you continue I will have to report it to management." That's it, problem over. That is how a man solves his problems. A boy runs home to mommy and daddy to solve his problems for him.

 
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