Big Richie was always trying to toughen me up. If I came home with a bruise, he'd tell me the other guy better have a black eye, or else I would. When I first kicked a kid's ass — some nerd who'd been calling me fat for months — my dad didn't ground me. He gave me ice cream.

"As the big, swinging dictator in Sweetwater, Manny Maroño was Scott's number one supporter."

When my football coaches couldn't see the talent hidden underneath my chub, Big Richie would collar me again and say, "Payback is going to come, Richie. When it's time for you to have your payback, you open up the gates of Hell and make them stare at the Devil." I never really understood that last part, but it sounded pretty badass.

So when I made it big at the University of Nebraska, that's exactly what I did: I put other people through hell. I teabagged my teammates in the locker room, blindsided the freshmen on the practice field, and punished our opponents on the weekends. I even perfected the Rich-around. I was a mean motherfucker, but I was a blocking machine.

Even when I went AWOL after flipping over my coach's desk and getting cut from the team, Oregon still wanted me. And when I gave another coach the finger for telling me to see a shrink, the NFL nonetheless came calling.

And that's my point. I'm like Dick Cheney: working in the shadows, getting my hands dirty, humping the ugly chick so others can look glamorous in the spotlight. I keep the quarterback with the cute smile and shampoo commercials safe from the vicious dudes on the other side of the line of scrimmage. But I ain't a saint.

You may not like it, but we bullies have been the unsung heroes this year. Let's start at the top. Everyone has been angry at the government this year. People keep saying it's gotten to be like Big Brother, whatever that means. But without your big brother, you'd just get your ass kicked all the time, right?

Sure, the NSA is reading your emails, tapping your phone calls, probably tapping your wife too. Meanwhile, some stooge in a suit is taking your taxes. And TSA agents are poking your bunghole with latex fingers. Big Brother is a bully, but it's better than having America the Beautiful overrun by jihadis. You'd be speaking Arabic or Urdu or something right now, buddy. Think about that. Urrrr-duuu.

It's not just the feds who did whatever it took to save us in 2013. Take a look at here in Florida. Rick Scott might look like a poached testicle, but our gonadal head of state governs like a boss. That man brushed off a record $1.7 billion fine for Medicare fraud like a blown tackle. He ground out an election nastier than any NFL fourth quarter. Sure, his poll numbers tanked harder than Tim Tebow. But instead of spending 2013 making nice, he doubled down on being a dick. Every morning, he stepped over the Dream Defenders protesting outside his office like they weren't even there. Scott let the kids camp out for weeks — sleeping on linoleum floors and surviving on Styrofoam cups of the capitol's cruddy coffee — before telling them to get lost: Stand Your Ground was here to stay. What a sadist! LULZ.

Scott's lieutenant governor resigned in disgrace — some scandal about lesbians and gambling, which sounds like a good time to me — but bossman didn't even bother replacing her. His hot-as-balls attorney general, Pam Bondi, delayed the execution of a cold-blooded killer so she could throw herself a party. The guv was going to let donors hunt an alligator for $25,000. My shotgun and I would have been there in a heartbeat had you morons in the media not found out first. And when Scott's Republican buddies in D.C. took a stand against tyranny like food stamps and social security checks, so did the guv. He refused to reopen Florida's parks. Fuck the economy!

What a terrific asshole. And why not? You're only governor once, Rick — at least with Charlie Crist now in the race. YOGO!

If Scott is the tyrannical quarterback for Team A-Hole, then Miami-area Mayors Manny Maroño, Steve Bateman, and Michael Pizzi are his trio of wide receivers. Or at least they were, until they were arrested.

As the big, swinging dictator in Sweetwater, Manny Maroño was Scott's number one supporter. He even shaved his head like the guv. In return, Scott made him president of Florida's League of Cities and allowed his mini-me to start a business development firm named after the governor's job creation plan. Maroño managed to get his wife, mom, uncle, and buddies on the Sweetwater payroll. And his two tow companies took over the town by bribing public officials and jacking cars whenever they felt like it.

If I may say so, Maroño was the Richie Incognito of Miami mayors. Remember when the Dolphins made a video of me playing croquet and asking fans to remain civilized? It was funny because I really am an asshole, like that time just months earlier when I used a golf club to sexually assault a woman during a team outing. Hilarious, right?

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9 comments
carne_frio
carne_frio

Should we be surprised when these meatheads act like meatheads?

Downtownbrown
Downtownbrown

They would never write this about a black player.  Libturds got a serious hardon against white guyz.

MadSamoan
MadSamoan

Mikey, I can't figure who you're trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. I'm happy that a wide-eyed midwestern boy is getting his horizons widened here in big bad South Beach but seriously, dude. This is worse than the crap that we used crank out on my college paper after deadline and too many whiskey shots. At least we knew we were posers and fed all that tripe to the bats rather than publish it.

Neighbor4545
Neighbor4545

ADD Eduardo Francisco Paula to the list of neighborhood adult bullies of S. Florida. This psycho-neighbor dumps oil, kills grass and plants, smashes sculptures, keys cars, runs water while people are of of town, charges at neighbors (with psycho-face), and more. He is a BULLY with no emotopnal sense of his acts, and his wife is a family couselor! Has she heard of Domestic Violence.

crzeerin
crzeerin

The one part I like about this article is the clarity on stand your ground law.

red.cell
red.cell

Wow, I've noticed the last couple of months that Miami New Times articles seemed to be getting worse and worse, but this? I read the first page and won't even waste my time with what looks like 5 more pages, so tldr, but the first page alone is absolutely awful. What the hell are you guys thinking? Do you not have someone in charge that pre-reads this nonsense to decide whether or not it's worth publishing, or is it just a fiction free for all from a bunch of comic writers and amateurs in your work place? The Enquirer has better articles than this. Sorry to say, I use to like Miami New Times (for years actually) and even though I've noticed it going down hill recently I hung in there and continued to visit, read and even share, but not anymore. Bookmark deleted and rss feed unsubscribed, Continue on & Good luck!

nick7588
nick7588

What kind of garbage are you writing here? Are you trying to fulfill some fantasy you have had about standing up to your own bullies? This is pretty obvious satire, but in the modern world of instant accreditation people will read this slander and take it as truth. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up getting sued for it. If I was you I would take it down before the lawyers spot an easy case. I mean this is a pretty long back and forth you have concocted in your little brain. And it doesn't lack any of the over the top stereotypes that have always been slapped on athletes. I know that you most assuredly have never played sports, based on your bias. Stop hating what you could never be, accept yourself for who you are, and live and let live. 


It's like Ricky Williams explained, Jonathan Martin obviously did not know what he was getting himself into. He is a child of privilege who have never had to endure adversity, and at the fist sign of it he ran home to his parents like a child. No matter what the business or industry, if an employee walks off worksite without explanation or without any follow up with their status, and then goes about publicly trashing their organization to the press. They should and would be fired, and most assuredly not brought back into the work flow. You cannot trust someone who goes to the press first over going to management first in any business in America, it is highly unprofessional. 


And to put to bed the claims of absurdity that Jonathan Martin should have handled this on his own. I am in no way shape or form claiming that Jonathan Martin should have gotten physical at all; he is an intelligent man they say, and he should have known he would have lost any physical confrontation. But a true intelligent MAN (not a boy) could have used he's intellect to mentally dress down the bully, he shouldn't need his fist he should only need his mouth. 


From all accords he never said anything to anyone. Men inherently do not ask about other men's feelings. If Jonathan had a problem he should have said "Hey Richie, I don't appreciate all of these things, and if you continue I will have to report it to management." That's it, problem over. That is how a man solves his problems. A boy runs home to mommy and daddy to solve his problems for him.

 
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