Many women have an acceptable set of buttocks. Some have one seemingly perfect buttock that is paired with a deflated, swaying cheek or, worse, one with a single, twisted antler growing from it. But not Miss Bumbum. Her bumbum is perfect. And unmarried. Miss Bumbum is the winner of a Brazilian search to find the perfect set of buttocks. Carine Felizardo, the 2012 winner of the Miss Bumbum pageant, will take her ideal bumbum along with those of fellow callipygian paragons Andressa Urach and Camila Vernaglia to Miami Beach this Friday night. There, they will arrange and display their buttocks in aesthetically pleasing configurations for the delight of the patrons at Bamboo (550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach). What makes for a perfect bumbum? The ancient Phoenicians believed it should be “fuller than a pair of sails set on a golden morning course to the horizon.” Nostradamus never saw a perfect bumbum in his lifetime but predicted, “Earthshaking fire from the center of the Earth/Shall set it a-jiggle/And it shall be without pimples/Or mark of beast’s tooth.” In his concurrence opinion for Bumbum v. Tingly Feeling, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart wrote, “I know it when I see it, and boy-oh-boy, do I see it. Zoinks!” Miss Bumbum is not to be objectified but to be celebrated by a culture that loves nothing more than to sit and do other things while sitting. Though the title-holder of Miss Bumbum might change from year to year, the properties embodied by each Miss Bumbum are eternal. You know, Marie Curie’s work in radioactivity changed the course of the 20th Century, but it was exposure to this same radiation that ultimately killed Curie, the only winner of Nobel Prizes in two sciences. We are too early in the 21st Century to know in what ways it will be shaped by Miss Bumbum, but it is likely that the shape of the 21st Century will be round, firm, and smooth to the touch. The 21st Century will probably smell like coconut, baby powder, and the sweaty hands of men who don’t know how to fasten their shirt buttons. But if Miss Bumbum’s life’s work proves to be as lethal as Mme. Curie’s, Bamboo is not taking any chances on public safety. The club is turning its space into a cordon sanitaire during Miss Bumbum’s visit to America, keeping Brazil’s most excellent buttocks separate from the water supply and a weak-willed populace. These buttocks — low, heavy, and lambent as the moon — are likely to play hell with the tides. But fear not, Miami: These asses come in peace.
Fri., July 19, 11 p.m., 2013