By Nate "Igor" Smith
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Last February, Lil Wayne led a roomful of moronic lemmings in yelping "Fuck the Miami Heat!" all because his douchey antics had gotten him ejected from a game at the American Airlines Arena the week prior.
Weezy fucked up real good trash-talking his adopted city's beloved team. He might as well have shat on Burnie's furry chest! And while many places would let this one ride, South Florida never forgets and rarely forgives. Your abuela still talks about the Bay of Pigs, right?
Since then, the Heat ass-whooped the Spurs, Weezy endured many sizzurp-induced seizures, and he is again announcing retirement. It may be time to forgive tiny old Tunechi. We thinks the Weezy winds, they are a-changin'. Here are five reasons why forgiving him is the righteous thing to do.
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5. You already love the little guy. Ever since "Lollipop" dropped, you've listened to Wayne daily, whether through the lyrics he ghostwrites for Nicki Minaj or Drake's parroting style. When you're twerking at the club to that "Rich as Fuck" remix or screaming out "real G's move in silence like lasagna" when alone in the car, you can't possibly hate him that much. Might as well let him back into your hardened tropical heart. He's already kind of there.
Just promise not to buy I Am Not a Human Being VIII, ever.
4. NBA champions, y'all. Before Weezy got mouthy with Chris Bosh and the boys, we didn't have any real beef with the guy. But we still get a little tingly when thinking of his nasty minuscule-man speech at Birdman's birthday.
After the Heat so deliciously won the NBA finals, making us total champions, it's easier to forget the little guys. Little guys like Lil Wayne. Say what he wants; we can always look down, all the way down, on the guy and say, "We forgive you."
3. We let O.J. Simpson live here, and he murdered people. South Florida, let's be honest: You love the bad guys. Yeah, Wayne's like a fake bad guy, and he sassed us like a little lady, but the truth is, we've let way more horrible people off the hook to take refuge in our weird corner of the nation. O.J., anyone? How about Don King?
2. Convenience. Not everyone who wants to see Weezy also wants to drive out to the western reaches of West Palm Beach. This week's America's Most Wanted show will likely fill up Cruzan Amphitheatre, but man, that's a rough ride from Kendall. And even if you still hate Weezy, you want to pop it in "Rack City" with Tyga, but not if you have to drive hundreds of miles to get there. Forgiveness might have pleased the whole tricounty area and granted us a second show at the AAA.
1. The guy almost died. Who wants to talk smack about a dude who, just months ago, danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Sure, he's back on tour and bouncing around, but who knows when that sizzurp's going to catch up with him for good? Imagine the guilt you'll feel for driving Tunechi to an early grave? You'll be weeping every time you hear Tha Carter III. There is no better reason to forgive Lil Wayne than to protect yourself from future discomfort.