By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
By Ryan Yousefi
By Kyle Swenson
Step right up to meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins — only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you might or might not say to yourself during a jog: "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria." But hear me out. We gotta meet these new guys. The first step in recovery is acceptance.
Batting leadoff: Juan Pierre. You probably remember Pierre from the 2003 championship Marlins roster. You might also remember that was the year Finding Nemo came out and your now-10-year-old child was born. Ah, memories.
Batting second: Donovan Solano. The hope seems to be that Juan Pierre gets on base and then Solano moves him over because he is a decent contact hitter. My hope is that Kate Upton likes New Times writers who eat Doritos for breakfast — so hey, we all got our fingers crossed.
Batting third: Giancarlo Stanton. Talk about a tall glass of water, huh, ladies? Sadly, in this lineup, Stanton will have less protection than a dude wearing a Publix bag instead of a condom while banging a stripper in the back of a club.
Batting cleanup: Placido Polanco. This is a thing that is not OK: 37-year-old Placido Polanco batting cleanup. Polanco has a career 103 home runs in 15 years.
Batting fifth: Rob Brantly. So far, I know this much about him: He loves Jesus and he loves his body, so he should fit in well playing for the Devil himself, Jeffrey Loria.
Batting sixth: Justin Ruggiano. Last season after the Marlins picked up Ruggiano, he proceeded to stick his bat up pitchers' asses with a note that read, "I'm sick of moving my family. Ruggiano ain't taking no more shit!" The Marlins should be solid here.
Batting seventh: Casey Kotchman. Oh, screw you, Marlins! Kotchman now joins his eighth team in what will be his ninth sparkling season of MLB. Once thought of as a promising prospect, Kotchman is now thought of as Casey Kotchman.
Batting eighth: Adeiny Hechavarria. His last name might sound like a disease you can catch from mosquitoes in the Amazon, but rumor is dude is sick wit it. Hechavarria seems to be one of the few things you can get excited about this season.
Opening-day starter: Ricky Nolasco. It's never a good thing when your opening-day pitcher is on the team only because even the freaking Marlins can't trade him. Nolasco wanted out of Miami, as players who enjoy life do, but the Marlins had no takers.
New future ex-manager: Mike Redmond. Chances are Redmond won't stir the pot Ozzie Guillen-style by saying something like "You know, Loria is just misunderstood, like that Hitler guy!" Redmond is gonna want to redrum himself after about 100 games of this team. And if he doesn't, he did a good job.