The Miami Marlins’ home opener for the 2013 season finds the Fish up against one of the toughest opponents in the National League East. No, not the Atlanta Braves, who will be in town for the first of a three-game series, but Marlins team owner and bipedal wart Jeffrey Loria. But just because Loria stuck Miami taxpayers with a bill for nearly $3 billion toward Marlins Park and gutted the roster late last year doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the fans. If you buy a ticket to opening night, you’ll also receive a bonus ticket to any 2013 Marlins home game in April or May. It’s perfect for the Fifty Shades of Grey fan looking to give light masochism a try or for those looking to take a cheap vacation. After all, anyone in a long-term relationship with Loria stands a good chance of being shipped off to Toronto. The official giveaway item for Monday’s game is a magnetic schedule, but rumor has it that eight lucky fans will be given a spot in the starting lineup alongside Giancarlo Stanton. Check under your seat, and if you find a golden ticket, discreetly swap seats with your neighbor. So come on down to garish and barren Marlins Park, where a ghostly wind whispers through the patches of dead grass and the players limp about the field, begging for someone to reattach the severed arm they clutch in their one good hand. It should be a good matchup. The Braves’ starting pitching is traditionally one of the best in baseball, but never mind Kris Medlen and Tim Hudson; for the 2013 season, the Marlins finally have a mound, fashioned from the bag of dirt for which Loria traded half our team to the Blue Jays.
Mon., April 8, 7:10 p.m., 2013