By Nate "Igor" Smith
By Abel Folgar
By Kat Bein
By Jacob Katel
By Karli Evans
By Jose D. Duran
By Pablo Chacon Alvarez
Dirtybird Players BBQ. With De La Soul, Claude VonStroke, Justin Martin, and Justin Jay. Thursday, March 21, noon, Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The ingredients for a delectably badass day in downtown Miami are pretty basic: a dash of classic hip-hop, heaping helpings of ass-clapping bass, and big mounds of hot, greasy grilled meat.
Steve Angello's Size Matters. Thursday, March 21, 3 p.m., Fontainebleau Miami Beach's Ocean Lawn, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2000; fontainebleau.com. Tickets cost $80 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Oh, no! You couldn't afford to splurge on $749.95 VIP passes to Ultra Music Festival for the absolutely final performances ever by Swedish House Mafia! Well, as mob guy Steve Angello might say: "Don't you worry, don't you worry, child/See, Heaven's got a plan for you."
Fixed x Vagabond. With Tensnake, Bicep, and Maxxi Soundsystem. Friday, March 22, 10 p.m., the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for women, 21 and up for men. If you've ever raged and raved with a Tensnake wrapped around your Bicep while a man named Maxxi Soundsystem battered your skull with beats, you know how wild a 14th Street party can get. Relive those dangerously good times with the fifth-annual Fixed x Vagabond bash.
Richie Hawtin's Enter. With Paco Osuna, Gaiser, and Hobo. Friday, March 22, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Cerebral EDM avatar Richie Hawtin beckons, "Enter." He would like to teach you about "the principles of underground music culture" and "encourage [you] to experiment with deeper sounds and styles." That's a fancier way of saying, "Stop listening to shit, please."
David and Cathy Guetta's F*** Me I'm Famous. With Nicky Romero and Daddy's Groove. Friday, March 22, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The last time someone cornered us and said "F*** me I'm famous," we grudgingly obliged, thinking it'd be the worst, most embarrassing experience of our entire lives. Surprisingly, though, we had a pretty nice evening. And we've never regretted the encounter for a moment. So c'mon, Dave and Cathy, let's do this thing.
Hotflush Miami. Presented by SAFE and Embrace. With Scuba, Eric Prydz, and others. Saturday, March 23, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Presale tickets are sold out; admission at the door. Ages 21 and up. Also known as hot flashes or night sweats, hot flushes are extreme surges in body temperature caused by radical fluctuations in hormone levels. But there are also other less common causes. Like, for example, feverishly dancing for eight hours to the most amazing electronic dance music you've ever heard outside your dreams.
Sin City Miami: BassHead Music Takeover. With Juan BassHead, Hatcha, and others. Saturday, March 23, 8 p.m., 1306 N. Miami Ave. Miami; 305-995-5050; miamieve.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Our fine municipality's official nickname is the Magic City. But we all know that's a PR con job for tourists, right? Just ask a local like 305 banger Juan BassHead: If Vegas hadn't hijacked the MIA's rightful sobriquet, we'd all be shaking ass in a place called Sin City — and not just for one night.
Miami Noize. Presented by Boys Noize Records. With Zeds Dead, Para One, Le1f, Destructo, Franki Chan, and others. Saturday, March 23, 8 p.m., Therapy, 60 NE 11th St., Miami; clubtherapymiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. WTF is all that noize? Oh, it's a bunch of boys? And they decided to have a party for something called Winter Music Conference and Miami Music Week? Ugh, so loud. Too much shouting. Why don't they just stop having so much beat-freaking fun.
Armin van Buuren. With W&W. Sunday, March 24, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. There's probably no one in electronic dance music who can hold a perfect Lotus position while beat-matching in a dark and crowded South Beach nightclub. Honestly, though, if anyone can execute a maneuver that epically advanced, it's probably superspiritual trance superstar Armin van Buuren. Now chant: Om, Om, uhntz-uhntz.
Last Resort. With Maceo Plex, Michael Mayer, Tiger & Woods, and others. Sunday, March 24, 7 p.m., Villa 221, 221 NE 17th St., Miami; 305-416-5280; villa221.com. Tickets cost $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Congrats, beat freaks. It's been nine and a half days of nonstop EDM action. And you still haven't atrophied into a twitching ball of decibel-damaged nerves. Enjoy this Last Resort. It is finally time to celebrate outlasting the uhntz.