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Stephen Ross wants your money. The billionaire Miami Dolphins owner might tell you otherwise, arguing the $200 million he announced earlier this month he'll ask voters to give him to renovate Sun Life Stadium will come from raising taxes on tourists. Don't be fooled. The next time you and your wife want some sexy time at a local hotel, Ross will be screwing you too.
Besides, that $200 million could be put to better use than on a Hail Mary to snag another Super Bowl. If Ross gets his way, the only guarantee is that he will get to pimp out his personal sports palace while the team continues underperforming. So in the interest of actually making Miami a better place, here are a few other ways we could actually use $200 million:
Avoid collapse: While the Sun Life Stadium renovation is a bridge to nowhere, Miami-Dade's real bridges are falling apart. Engineers recently found hundreds of county bridges were "structurally deficient." They temporarily shut down Bear Cut Bridge between Miami and Key Biscayne because its steel beams were so corroded. That problem alone will cost $25 million to fix. Altogether, bridge repairs could cost the county more than $400 million. But hey, Sun Life could use a new coat of paint!
Silence Lil Wayne: One reason Ross wants the cash is to construct a partial roof to shield stadiumgoers. But if we're going to be putting a lid on something, it really should be Lil Wayne. The rapper was thrown out of a recent Miami Heat game for allegedly hinting he had some heat of his own tucked into his belt. "Fuck da Heat," he tweeted before insulting LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh at an All-Star Game party. With $200 million, we could upgrade Lil Wayne's gnarly grill to include an emergency lock function. That way, the next time he starts insulting someone, we could literally shut him up. Be honest and try to argue that's not worth a couple hundred mil.
Renovate Rubio: Marco Rubio gave an impassioned, if parched, rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union Address earlier this month. Florida's junior senator may have been reaching — for facts as well as water — but one thing is clear: Rubio ain't going away. His Friar Tuck hairdo, however, has to go. In fact, the presumptive 2016 GOP headliner needs a presidential makeover, and $200 million just might cut it. How about a suit made of bald eagle feathers? A gold-plated Hummer to protect him and his new campaign manager, Rick Ross? The "working-class" warrior might have enough left over to buy himself a house in D.C.