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For the third time since 2008, the University of Miami Hurricanes are on the hunt for a new athletics director. UM President Donna Shalala recently told reporters she has already received "hundreds of emails from people wanting the job." But who exactly is applying?
We've gotten our hands on some of those emails:
Dear Donna: Heard you got an executive sports job open. I might need a new one of those real soon.
P.S. My mother was not a whore. I know that's a common interview question, so I just wanted to get it out of the way first.
To President Shalala: I would very much like to be AD at the great University of Miami. In addition to my work in politics, I would also bring to the job my previous experience as AD at both the University of Alabama and Harvard (a totally true claim that you don't even need to double-check). Now, you might just want to check your purse real quick. Oh my, is that an envelope stuffed with cash? I have no idea how it got there, and you can't prove that I do. I must also inform you that if I do not get this job, I will also have nothing to do with some shadowy and almost hilariously inept conspiracy to get the trustees to fire you.
From Frank "the Cane Tank" Decrazia, unemployed:
Yo D-Sha, I know the kinda ppl who get these jobs have like "resumés" and "college degrees," but none of that can make up for being the #1 Canes superfan of all time! Check these stats: My Camaro is custom-painted green and orange. I have a "U" tattoo, but I can't show it to you in polite company. I can name every member of the D-line since 1979. My sons' names are Bernie, Vinny, Gino, and Schnellenberger. My daughters' names are Kelly (as in Jim), Sebastian the Girl Ibis, and Orange Bowl.
@DonnaShalala heard you are hiring
@DonnaShalala necesita un nuevo trabajo pronto
@DonnaShalala had a bad year waooo but hurricanes are the man dawg
@DonnaShalala plz give me job. Lol.
From Sebastian the Ibis:
Donna, I've been with this institution for 55 years, and I want you to look back at those 55 years and ask, "Hey, who has never screwed up, not even once?" It's a shortlist of waterfowl. Even the Miami Maniac had that incident with the wine bottle. But I bring it at a topnotch level every day. Do you ever see a C-A-N-E-S chant that doesn't drive people crazy? I am dedicated to this athletics program. I show up at every game. There have been volleyball matches where the only spectators in the stands are yours truly, the coach's elderly mother, and the co-captain's boyfriend who just cheated on her and is trying to show her what a good boyfriend he can be if she just gives him another chance. I'm the most reliable thing associated with this university, and it's time you recognize that.