Dear Micky Arison:

As owner of the Miami Heat, you've nurtured the evolution of a legacy that was humbly born in the late '80s, developed in the '90s, and unmistakably solidified in the new millennium. Your dedication to Miami sports revitalized a city desperate to escape the tentacles of irrelevance that had been choking away our pride and spirit. To die-hard South Florida sports fanatics like me, you, sir, are Beowulf.

But for all the glory you have brought our great city, one man has overshadowed your triumph with a shroud of anguish and torment. Time and again, he has plummeted us into an abyss of despair. This man is evil incarnate. El jodido diablo himself! He is a plague that has terrorized us with malice and ineptitude for too long, and the time has come for you, our champion, to rescue us from his despicable clutches. The man I speak of is none other than el muy malparido de Stephen me cago en su madre Ross.

Since Ross took full ownership, the Dolphins have yet to see a winning season. In fact, in the three years he's been the majority stakeholder, Stephen M. Ross has single-handedly made the Dolphins franchise look like the bleached asshole of the NFL. With each passing season, the likelihood of Ross making a terrible decision with absolutely no regard for the team's fan base has become more certain than finding a hipster coke dealer on North Miami Avenue at 6 o'clock Sunday morning.

To detail every failing in Ross's tenure as owner of the Dolphins would make this letter sound more like a suicide note, but by far his most notable fuckup has to be keeping Jeff Ireland as general manager. Despite Ireland's gross mismanagement of draft picks and reputation among players, Ross claims "he's done a great job with the draft." He's talking about the same sapingo responsible for choosing offensive tackle Jake Long over Atlanta Falcons All-Pro quarterback Matt Ryan and who wasted a second-round draft pick on Pat fucking White! Ross vehemently shows confidence in Ireland by saying things like "he's as smart as they come on the football side" even though part of Ireland's interview process is asking potential players if their mothers are putas.

Pero pa la pinga, let's forget all of that and pretend that Ross's paja mental is justified. That still doesn't take away the fact that Ireland is the herpes sore of professional football. No player (or coach, in the case of Bill Cowher) who's worth a damn wants to get anywhere near Miami because of him. Prospective Dolphins have publicly said they denied offers to meet with the team because of Ireland's presence, yet somehow Ross lo mantiene como si fuera su puta querida.

This is where you come in, pipo. Our city needs you. Ross and Ireland are the worst things to happen to this town since Hurricane Andrew. You have both the financial means and business savvy to help us escape Ross's stranglehold on the Dolphins and get rid of Ireland for good.

I'm not sure how much you know about football, but I'm confident you would fill the front office with the brightest minds in the sport, just like you did with the Heat. At the very least, I'm absolutely certain you never would have drafted Chad Henne in the second round or hired T-Pain to redo our fight song, and that alone makes you infinitely more qualified than either one of los dos comepingas eso. Y si no pa la pinga, just put El Lebroncito, El Bosh y El Guade on the field a repartir feruchos. No matter how badly they do, nothing will ever be more embarrassing than the "Orange Carpet," so who cares?

Stephen Ross is Miami's Grendel, and only you can eliminate this abomination from our city once and for all. You purchased the Heat for $33 million in 1988, and today the team is worth more than $400 million. You've led us to two championships and brought the most talented players in the world to play for our city. Because of you, Miami's economy has flourished during basketball season, and you've given its people a reason to hold their heads high — even if it's only until football season starts.

I beckon you to take an interest in the Dolphins. It would be a sound investment. Cojones, given their plummeting season ticket sales and declining net worth, I wouldn't be surprised if Ñooooo Que Barato brokered the deal for you. Moreover, though the team hasn't won a championship in nearly 40 years, Dolphins fans have proven they are fiercely loyal. They're still willing to buy jerseys and root for their team even when it's to no avail. What more can you ask from a fan base? While South Florida may have a reputation for having "bandwagon" fans in other sports, it is glaringly obvious that football is not among them. If anything, we Dolphins fans are more like a bunch of masochists who seem to have forgotten our safety word y los pingazos sin Vaselina nos tiene el culo looking 50 shades of fucked-up.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Believe you can, and you're halfway there." Well, I believe you can, Micky, but even though it might be tremenda paja mental mia, every year around this time, I begin hoping that perhaps maybe one day you will. La singada por culo begins at 1 p.m. this Sunday, September 9, when Houston hosts Miami. Tune in if you dare!

Your friend,

P$

Pepe Billete, Miami's favorite Cuban puppet, rose to fame on a tide of YouTube videos, Spanglish tweets, and damn funny observations about life in the Magic City. Read his column every week onNew Times' culture blog, Cultist — cultistmiami.com — and follow him on Twitter, @pepebillete.

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29 comments
benehow
benehow

Get rid of those two assholes, Steve Ross, and Jeff Ireland. They have been a curse to this city and the Miami Dolphins since they arrived here. They have to go right now!

gabbie25
gabbie25

@flowersbyaileen...Living in America and therefore under our Constitution the very first amendment gives us the freedom of speecH, and freedom of press. If you believe that Pepe's article in The New Times is offensive... you have the right as an American citizen not to pick it up...that's the beauty of this country...WE HAVE CHOICES. You can exercise your right to not read the New Times and you can exercise your right to complain!!!BUTT and that is a very BIG BUTT...Pepe has every right to write what he chooses under the 1st amendment to our Constitution. EXERCISE YOUR RIGHT TO NOT PICK UP THE NEW TIMES!!! The New times is not an educational paper...it's an entertainment rag!!!

 

PLP Pepe...sigue escribiendo que me, que me estas entreteniendo!!!

 

zumizoomzoom
zumizoomzoom

I thought the article was well written and informative. I don't even like sports, but Pepe's colorful way of expressing himself made me want to read the whole thing. Thank you, Pepe.

army_lopez
army_lopez

@PepeBillete I hate parents that want other ppl to raise their kids. If this bitch didn't want her kids reading this, do something about it

phins17
phins17

flowersbyaileen

Grow the FUCK UP BITCH. Pepe is the SHIT you fucking asshole. Take your bible and shove it up your pussy. Next time do not pick-up a free newspaper and FUCK the Sun Sentinal. Tomate la leche puta and VPLP.

imnotdonewritin
imnotdonewritin

@PepeBillete LMAOOO "WELL KNOWN newspaper" jahahahhaah shes hilarious.

qrucasiano
qrucasiano

@PepeBillete but she's not offended by the sex adds, and escorts on the back of every Newtimes? #comepinga #VPLP

QuebolaAmy
QuebolaAmy

@PepeBillete LMFAOOOO, QUE CLASE SAPINGA PIPOOOO. She needs un buen pingaso por el culo, straight up. #CertifiedComemierda

ebran004
ebran004

oye soplamoco this is the MIAMI NEW TIMES not the MIAMI HERALD get ur shit right.... bete pa la pinga i vete a jugar con el bollito fino tuyo vieja cochinaaaaa... PEPE BILLETE FOR PRESIDENT 

Sir_Bdegro
Sir_Bdegro

@PepeBillete My Question is why did it say Miami Herald at the end. Dumb Bitch doesn't even quote the right news paper.

TheEmceeTrick
TheEmceeTrick

@PepeBillete i posted a comment to that wack job

flowersbyaileen
flowersbyaileen

This article is a disgrace!!!!!  It is sad that this is a free newpaper and my family and I have picked it up to read and all this bad language and nasty speech is written throughout an article that is supposed to inform us of what is going on, not curse throughout. I think we have lost our respect to life and the fact that young children or teenagers that can read could pick this up . AMAZING !!!!!!  This is why our society has so many issues cause our role models and journalist have no respect for the society and how offensive it is to pick up a WELL KNOWN newspaper to read such junk. I believe this lovely writer should be fired for such a disgraceful article , which instead of telling what is going on just has all sort of bad words and poor , disgusting porn language throughout. Some young children do not even know of what these words mean and now they are exposed and thier minds are dirty. Thank you Miami Herald for allowing this and stooping SO VERY LOW!!!! The sun sentinal has more CLASS!!! 

Fireman_2515
Fireman_2515

@bianca_enedina They need to fire Jeff Ireland first and then Ross needs to have a heart attack. Our management sucks

PepeBillete
PepeBillete

@army_lopez Pipo, she made my night. I cant tell you how much she's genuinely made me laugh. bitch is SUUUUUPER OFFENDED!

FWACATA
FWACATA

 @flowersbyaileen PUH-LEEEZE, Kids see and say worse things than this article, and your knee jerk reaction is the reason we can't have real discussion or really have A JOKE! IT'S A PUPPET WRITING AN ARTICLE FOR CHRIST SAKE! Coño, get the sand out of your vagina, and learn to laugh!

ppingu
ppingu

 @flowersbyaileen Aileen, the disgrace here is you, mama.  If you can't take the heat, stay out of the doghouse.  Shove your flowers up your ass so I can take a picture, saca la lenguita y abre grande pa que no te atores.  Go read your fucking Sun Sentinal & Miami Herald if you can't handle the New Times.  Your "young children" are the coke whores of tomorrow thanks to your bullshit overprotective comepingueria.  I thank you in advance for raising putas pornograficas with this type of abusive philosophy on what "young children" should be exposed to.  Be a parent, look after your damn kids, & leave P$ alone y lavate la chocha sucia.  You are a fucking perra amargada con la crica bembua y apestosa.  Make sure your crusty panties lose the flowery smell so Pepe can go by & take a sniff of your tufo a little later.  Abre y traga llegua, Pepe has a batido for you, shaken not stirred. 

 

ElJevodeTuHija
ElJevodeTuHija

 @flowersbyaileen

 Que clase de anormal.  Dime donde tu vives mami para darte mucha morronga porque obviamente estas falta de salchichon.  You should inform yourself before trying to sound like a concerned mother.  Your argument lost all credibility when you mentioned the Miami Herald and Sun Sentinel.  I'm also a parent but there's no way i'm allowing my kids to read The New Times.  It is meant for a mature audience.  Maybe you need to go back to parenting 101.  Anyway, my morronga offer stands so let me know.   

Pedro_Pajero
Pedro_Pajero

@flowersbyaileen Esta tipa tiene que ser una de esas desgraciadas infiltradas from out of town. No lo puedo creer, first of all where in Miami did you grow with that pleasantville attitude? Y segundo, Pepe is right, ese Jeff Ireland es un Grade-A #1 Valedictorian Sapingo -- so why the hell are you concerned with the language? Ve y buscate un buquete de tus flores y sobate el bollo! Deja de tanta come-mierderia! Turn down the Radio Paz in the morning and get real Aileen, que tus hijos, en la escuela, se lo pasan tocandose el ojo del culo!

miamisownhoris
miamisownhoris

@flowersbyaileen listen i find it very sad that you read this article and only saw foul language. unfortunatley you missed the point and direction of this piece by a long shot. the actual ideal delivered by pepe is nothing short of pure genius. our poor city has been stuck in a shroud of failure for some time, something that will not change until a savior like micky arison could come along and end this championship drout. if you truly expect any reader here to think for one minute that you on your preverbial high horse spend all your days with out saying one bad word... Then your as delusional as the current dolphin management. you even more ignorant to think that younger readers whom may see this would be confused by the terms and words expressed here... They would see this and its author for what it is GENIUS!

Bacardiguy
Bacardiguy

@flowersbyaileen It is certainly your right to feel the way you do. I can appreciate the fact that you pick up a newspaper to inform yourself of current events in your community and to your surprise, you are confronted wity words like, "comepinga", "cojones", and of course, two really bad words in Miami, Steven Ross & Jeff Ireland. Does that count as two words or four.... Anyways, I can also apreciate your concern for yiur children to also wantnto inform themselves of current events and learn of such words that consider disgraceful. I get it. But here is the thing. It is your respinsibility as a parent to monitor what your children read so if your chikdren are reading atticles that you find offensive, then la comepinga here is you. The article is well written and it is refreshing to read substance that is humerous and entertaining. Go read the Sunsentinel all you want. Im sure they would love to hear from you. As per this article, the New Times, the Author, and the people who read it, we all wish you a speedy recovery after the paramedics extract that 10 foot metal dildo uyou stuck up your ass. You are too fucking uptight. PS. Have a nice day.

rmaestrijr
rmaestrijr

 @flowersbyaileen ....thank you for your lovely comments. We appreciate them and will foreard them to the editorial staff for due consideration. We will gladly let the prople at El Herald that you think the Sun Sentinel has more class. By the way...you did now that you were reading the New Times...right?

rmaestrijr
rmaestrijr

 @flowersbyaileen

 ...while I respect your right to have an opinion, please be sure to do the following before forming one:

1. Make sure you are reading El Herald.

2. Limpiate con el Sentinel

Spankyouverymuch!

r.carmona1191
r.carmona1191

 @flowersbyaileen oye veija cagalitrosa arranca a cagar en otro lado por alli....vete y tocate el culito en vez de escribir comepingadas aqui.....anda, aqui se puede escribir de lo que le salga los cojones......veija pa mi q tu le andas mamando los cojones al singao ese de stephen ross #VPLP

jacobleinberger
jacobleinberger

 @flowersbyaileen People have their right to express their opinions, it is called "freedom" and its in the Bill of Rights. Pepe tells it how it is and in his own way. I highly doubt young children are actually picking up news articles now a days since they are glued to the tv jugando con el "tiki tiki". Which by the way while you were writing that I am sure your kids were looking up some porn on their own and filling their mind with violence with the video games you bought them. This article would at least inform children about sports and give them an opinion to think about. (@cheesebergerz )@pepebillete 

junglist12
junglist12

 @flowersbyaileen Oh please... ( EMCEETRICK) this is one of the truest and most honest articles ever written in my opinion. It hits home and hits hard. It 100% truth, if you can't deal with it loco then write a better one?!

LaFlamme
LaFlamme

only thing that is a disgrace is your saggy tits

 
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